I wasn't sure if the title should be "Half way there" or "Half way...house." You be the judge.
Chemo #3 is done. Three more to go. I can't believe how blessed I've been! The side effects I've experienced have been pretty mild so far. Although that could change any day now, even if it does I've still made it half way pretty easily.
This one was very similar to the last one. The actual treatment was painless...easy. Elizabeth Robbins held up a little better this time too. There was only one point where I was a little concerned, but she managed without fainting. I was completely fine that night and Friday. Saturday I started to feel a little off. I stayed in bed all afternoon and all day Sunday. I read an entire book and am half way through another one. But of course now I can't sleep. So here I am...waiting for my Ambian to come and take me off to dream land.
Here's something I'm having a hard time comprehending. It amazes me that people think I'm so brave and strong and inspiring. I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant those titles. I'm just doing what anyone would do in this situation. In fact, while I was laying there trying to fall asleep tonight I couldn't help but wonder if this is it. Every time I get any kind of ache or pain anywhere I wonder if it's somewhere else and they just don't know it yet. I feel like I'm being crazy and over analyzing everything, but still I can't help it.
You know, I had all these scans done...the brain MRI, CT scan and bone scan. The doctor says, "Everything looks great! Do you want a copy of the report?" When I say yes, she follows with, "Keep in mind that this particular radiologists has been over reading things. But I've looked at the films and every thing's fine."
So keeping that in mind I start to try to break these secret codes in these reports. I couldn't find anything in his report that made me worry about the brain MRI, but the CT scan had me a little concerned. He requested a follow up CT scan in three months, which my doctor decided she would order...just to keep him happy. When I told her I was a little unsure about the report she broke it down and put my mind at ease...sort of.
So...Thursday I got a copy of my bone scan report. It says that it looks like I've had broken ribs. I have never broken a rib...certainly not a few of them. When I was in 5th grade Philip was pushing me on a swing at Granny's house and he pushed me too high. The swing flew off the s hook and I flew off the swing. I broke my left arm. But not my ribs! He also talks about my forearm and my hips.
So on nights when I can't sleep...like tonight...I lay in my bed and wonder. I start over thinking every ache and pain until there's no chance of falling asleep without the help of pharmaceuticals. Now my ribs hurt, I feel like I have swollen lymph nodes, and I worry about all the possible things that could have been overlooked. For things to start out so terribly they sure have taken a turn for the better...or have they?
I guess the battle I'm going to have with myself from now on is when to worry and when to let it go. Right now I feel like I'm going to always be waiting for the next round to show up. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up and decide to let it go...stop worrying. I completely trust my doctors and I just have to leave it at that.
So there's the crazy lady in me coming out...just to let you all know that even though I do my best to keep things in perspective and put a postitive spin on things, it doesn't always work like that.
So thanks for all the support and prayers. Apparently they are still very much needed.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Chemo #2
Well, this is long overdue! It's been exactly one week since chemo #2. This one was way easier than the first one. Elizabeth and I headed to Greenville the day before and had some minor retail therapy and were in our pjs reading by 8pm. Pretty sad that that's a big deal, but it was. Got up the next morning, headed to the Cracker Barrel for a little birthday breakfast and then for some chemo. It was the first time my new port had been used and I was a little nervous. They make it sound like it's the most wonderful thing in the world and guess what...IT IS! They stuck a needle in...which I didn't even feel...and drew blood from it. Then they left the needle in and just capped it off while I met with the doctor. After that they just hooked me up to the IV right through the same needle. Painless! I had no reaction to any meds like I did the first time. It was the best birthday present I could have imagined!
Poor Elizabeth wasn't as excited as me. I've never seen her look so uncomfortable. Bless her heart, she came into the chemo room with me and literally sat on the edge of her chair, holding her purse close to her chest. She was ready to run at any second! After almost an hour of suffering she left and did a little shopping. I was worried that she might not come back...but of course she did. And she looked a little better when she got back.
Since last Thursday it's really been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. Nothing like the first time where I was tired and weak for about a week. The day after chemo I was starting to wonder if they messed up and just gave me saline...I felt great! I even made it to Brandy and Philip's pink party Friday night. That was just what I needed! I can't tell you how nice it was to see everyone! The hardest part of this whole cancer thing is being stuck at home. I miss seeing people at preschool. I miss going to the grocery store. I miss going to KMart and the bank and the post office. I miss going to lunch with the girls and supper club with Reed. I miss Girls' nights. I miss taking Madison and Eliza to dance and birthday parties. All that to say...it was so nice to go and see just about everyone and celebrate Brandy walking for a cure for Breast Cancer. Brandy...if I could walk up the stairs without getting winded I'd walk with you! But trust me...I'd slow you down. To a crawl!
Then I got tired. I spent a couple of days pretty much in bed then Tuesday I felt great. Wednesday I didn't get out of bed until 5pm. Then today I feel great again. Even though it's up and down it's still an easy up and down. So I get to stay in bed all day...big deal!
On my birthday...AKA chemo day...I also found out that my cancer is genetic. I had the genetic counseling and testing done a couple of weeks ago. I don't understand it completely but there are two genes that are related to breast cancer and ovarian cancer, BRC1 and BRC2. Everyone has them but some people have a mutation that puts them at a much greater risk for breast and ovarian cancer. I have the mutated BRC1 gene. Since I've already had the double mastectomy the next thing is to have my ovaries removed. Luckily, I've got two or three years before I really have to get that done. They're testing my mom to see if she has the mutation as well and then my sister and others in the family. Crazy what they know these days!
So...all of that on my birthday. But let me back up and say that the entire day I was getting text messages from soooooooo many people sending me birthday wishes! I swear it made my day happy...even with chemo! Just when I thought it couldn't get any better I came home to a living room full of presents! I've decided that I'm going to have a garden this year. So I had a big sun hat, all kinds of gardening tools for me and the girls, scarves, seeds, bulbs, gloves, plants...you name it, it was in my living room! So on the days that I have felt good I've been outside planting the bulbs and flowers with my new gloves, hat and tools. Don't get too excited...you probably wouldn't be able to tell. But I can...and it feels good! Can't wait to start my vegetable garden. I'll need a little help from Reed or my brother to get that going.
Oh yeah...did I mention that I'm 95% bald! I mean shiny bald! My hair had started falling out but it wasn't FALLING out! I'm so glad I shaved it when I did.
Well, I feel like I've really rambled on and on about myself! Let me finish up with a quick report on the girls and Reed. They're all doing great! Reed's out fishing today and I know he's happy to be on the water. He may go tomorrow and Saturday too. He'd shrivel up and die if he didn't get to go fishing! The girls are still funny and doing really well with all the changes. It's harder for me than it is for them. They don't even notice. Well...I take that back. Willa cried when she saw my head. But now she thinks it's funny. And Madison will sometimes rub it. They're sweet girls and I'm amazed by what they can handle. A very wise woman...Anna Barrett, you know who you are...once told me what a wonderful learning experience this was going to be for them. It's an opportunity for me to teach them how to be strong and deal with some really tough stuff. Things don't always go the way you'd like for them to but you still have to deal with it and move on. So that's exactly what we're doing down here in Wanchese :-)
Poor Elizabeth wasn't as excited as me. I've never seen her look so uncomfortable. Bless her heart, she came into the chemo room with me and literally sat on the edge of her chair, holding her purse close to her chest. She was ready to run at any second! After almost an hour of suffering she left and did a little shopping. I was worried that she might not come back...but of course she did. And she looked a little better when she got back.
Since last Thursday it's really been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. Nothing like the first time where I was tired and weak for about a week. The day after chemo I was starting to wonder if they messed up and just gave me saline...I felt great! I even made it to Brandy and Philip's pink party Friday night. That was just what I needed! I can't tell you how nice it was to see everyone! The hardest part of this whole cancer thing is being stuck at home. I miss seeing people at preschool. I miss going to the grocery store. I miss going to KMart and the bank and the post office. I miss going to lunch with the girls and supper club with Reed. I miss Girls' nights. I miss taking Madison and Eliza to dance and birthday parties. All that to say...it was so nice to go and see just about everyone and celebrate Brandy walking for a cure for Breast Cancer. Brandy...if I could walk up the stairs without getting winded I'd walk with you! But trust me...I'd slow you down. To a crawl!
Then I got tired. I spent a couple of days pretty much in bed then Tuesday I felt great. Wednesday I didn't get out of bed until 5pm. Then today I feel great again. Even though it's up and down it's still an easy up and down. So I get to stay in bed all day...big deal!
On my birthday...AKA chemo day...I also found out that my cancer is genetic. I had the genetic counseling and testing done a couple of weeks ago. I don't understand it completely but there are two genes that are related to breast cancer and ovarian cancer, BRC1 and BRC2. Everyone has them but some people have a mutation that puts them at a much greater risk for breast and ovarian cancer. I have the mutated BRC1 gene. Since I've already had the double mastectomy the next thing is to have my ovaries removed. Luckily, I've got two or three years before I really have to get that done. They're testing my mom to see if she has the mutation as well and then my sister and others in the family. Crazy what they know these days!
So...all of that on my birthday. But let me back up and say that the entire day I was getting text messages from soooooooo many people sending me birthday wishes! I swear it made my day happy...even with chemo! Just when I thought it couldn't get any better I came home to a living room full of presents! I've decided that I'm going to have a garden this year. So I had a big sun hat, all kinds of gardening tools for me and the girls, scarves, seeds, bulbs, gloves, plants...you name it, it was in my living room! So on the days that I have felt good I've been outside planting the bulbs and flowers with my new gloves, hat and tools. Don't get too excited...you probably wouldn't be able to tell. But I can...and it feels good! Can't wait to start my vegetable garden. I'll need a little help from Reed or my brother to get that going.
Oh yeah...did I mention that I'm 95% bald! I mean shiny bald! My hair had started falling out but it wasn't FALLING out! I'm so glad I shaved it when I did.
Well, I feel like I've really rambled on and on about myself! Let me finish up with a quick report on the girls and Reed. They're all doing great! Reed's out fishing today and I know he's happy to be on the water. He may go tomorrow and Saturday too. He'd shrivel up and die if he didn't get to go fishing! The girls are still funny and doing really well with all the changes. It's harder for me than it is for them. They don't even notice. Well...I take that back. Willa cried when she saw my head. But now she thinks it's funny. And Madison will sometimes rub it. They're sweet girls and I'm amazed by what they can handle. A very wise woman...Anna Barrett, you know who you are...once told me what a wonderful learning experience this was going to be for them. It's an opportunity for me to teach them how to be strong and deal with some really tough stuff. Things don't always go the way you'd like for them to but you still have to deal with it and move on. So that's exactly what we're doing down here in Wanchese :-)
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