It's alright to cry...

Here's what I've learned about cancer.
Cancer sucks. There's nothing fun about it. But the really hard part is when it's all over.
About two months ago I kept having these break downs. Nothing really triggered them. I would just start crying and not know why or what to do to stop it. I felt completely overwhelmed and broken. Just when life was getting back to "normal" I couldn't seem to get there. Everything that was put on hold while I was just getting through the day was now piled up. I was just realizing that my whole life stopped but the world around me continued and I had a lot of catching up to do.
Then, when I'd try to explain how I was feeling I would start crying and not be able to stop for days. No one ever said the right thing. Reed kept telling me that I should be happy and enjoy life now that I'm finally healthy. I knew that was true but I couldn't. And that made me feel ungrateful, like being healthy wasn't enough. Presley hung up on me because I was being "snappy." That set me off. All the anger that was in me came out at her...poor thing. She NEVER saw that coming! Lisa kept telling me to just let somethings go. I had too much on my plate and I needed to stop trying to fix the world and just work on fixing me. But how? That's what I do...I help people. That's what makes me feel good. But that wasn't working anymore. Thank GOD I listened to Cara and had already made an appointment with a counselor. When I realized just how many people actually see a counselor I thought maybe I DID need to see someone with all that I'd been through this year.
So I went. And the first time I saw her she told me I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I left there wondering how that could be. I thought about it for a week and then it all made sense.
The only time I cried since January 13th was one time when they first told me I had to have a double mastectomy in less than a week and that I was probably going to need chemo too. Other than that, I put on a happy face and just did what I had to do. I had no other option! So through the horrific surgery and recovery, the chemo, losing my hair, missing out on so much of my kids' lives, and all the other fun stuff that comes along with cancer, I never cried.
And now it was all coming out.
I had to go back to the oncologist for my three month check up. They sent me to the chemo treatment room to access my port for my blood work. I have been back there more times than I care to remember. And it never bothered me. I always went back there with a smile and some new gadget to occupy my three hour chemo treatment, making friends with the other people lined up in recliners. But this time was different. I just sat there the whole time trying not to cry thinking, "I can't believe I did this so many times and it was no big deal. This is a big deal. These people are sick. They may not make it. That lady was here when I was here. Why is she still here? That man is much thinner than he was this summer. Has something happened? Why is he still here? That poor lady has been here with her husband so many times. She HAS to be tired. Where's the lady I met the first time? She should be here, this is her day." I felt the way Elizabeth Robbins must have felt the first time I made her come with me so she could see that it's not so bad. Where was I?!?! How did I miss this?!?!
I have said this a million times. I've never felt like I was going to die. Even before I knew if it had spread or not, or what stage it was, I NEVER felt like it was life threatening. But when I look back I realize that just one wrong decision could have cost me my life. I could have very easily been one of the ones that didn't make it. If I had not gone to the doctor when I did. If she had said to just keep an eye on it, see if it gets any bigger. If Dr. Habal had not insisted on a mastectomy. If I had not done chemo, even if it was just for "insurance." I'm not saying that I did everything right. But somehow I was at the right place at the right time with the right people. I got lucky.
Here's another thing that's changed...Me. Things that I want in life, my priorities, everything about me has changed. I don't know how you can go through all of that and NOT change. I love differently, deeper. I appreciate the little things. I have a new category that I mentally place things in when I've done all I can do and it's still not working...Not My Problem. Reed thinks that if I have too much on my plate then I need to let some things go...like taking the girls to dance, or working at preschool. But those are the things that I WANT to do. Those are the things that I fought to be able to do. That's what makes me feel normal and happy. Those things don't stress me out...they relieve stress.
So counseling has been good...I feel like oncologists should make counseling part of their course of treatment. I'm finally feeling all the emotions I pushed aside. Everyone always said I had such a positive attitude through it all. And I did. I didn't try to, it just happened. But in doing that I didn't feel the things I should have felt. I put up a wall and painted happy faces and flowers and all kinds of happy pictures on it to keep out the feelings I should have been dealing with that weren't so happy and pretty. But the wall has come down and it feels good! I now understand that it's normal to feel these things. They're a little delayed, but at least they are working their way out.
Wow...that's a lot of talk about feelings;) All of this reminds me of a song...my brother used to sing it to Madison when she was a little fussy as a baby. It's called "It's all right to cry." Here are the words...


It's all right to cry
Crying gets the sad out of you
It's all right to cry
It might make you feel better

Rain drops from your eyes
Washing all the mad out of you
Rain drops from your eyes
They're gonna make you feel better

It's all right to feel things
Though the feelings may be strange
Feelings are such real things
And they change and change and change

Sad n' grumpy, down in the dumpy
Snuggly, huggly, mean n' ugly
Sloppy, slappy, hoppy, happy
Change and change and change

It's all right to know
Feelings come and feelings go
It's all right to cry
It might make you feel better

And now John Michael has his own little baby girl to sing that song to. Welcome to this crazy World, Eva Ann Arendts!!!

Reconstruction - Phase I

Wow...it's been a long time! But not too much has happened so there's not too much to catch up on. The big thing that's happened is reconstruction!
I went in on Tuesday and had the expanders put in and my port for chemo taken out. The expanders were put in to stretch the skin and muscle to make room for my new boobies. It's a process that takes a few months and some pretty painful days but the outcome will be worth it. I go back in a couple of weeks to have the expanders "pumped up." They will fill them up with saline every two weeks until either I say enough or the scar tissue won't allow them to stretch any further. Of course the first question everyone has is "How big will you go?" But I don't really have an answer because it all depends on the amount of scar tissue and how much pain I can actually handle. Each filling gets more and more painful. When all the fillings are done I'll have to leave the expanders in for a month or two to let everything settle and heal completely. Then I'll get the real implants and they'll cut away some more scar tissue to relieve some of the pressure. Then I'll have the best looking boobs in town:)
I've been really excited for this surgery and expected it to be pretty easy compared to what I've already been through. I even told Reed that he could leave a couple of days after the surgery to bring back the Kahuna from Massachusetts.
So here's the reality...it has been SO much easier than the first time. Not exactly a walk in the park but definately easier. This time I have no drains. I can't use my arms too much or my new boobs might pop out of place and end up on my shoulders. But that's not too bad. I'm already off my pain meds. I've taken showers and it's only been four days! Last time it was three weeks before I could take a shower! Reed did leave on Friday. Before any of you start thinking he's some dead beat husband you need to know that I told him to go. He didn't ask if he could. It was my idea. This boat being up north has really been weighing on him because he knows the longer he waits to bring it back the more trecherous the waters will be. He was worried about being iced in and not being able to leave. So I told him I would be fine...which I am...if he went.
The hardest part is my kids. I'm fine by myself. But I can't really take care of them. Especially Willa!!! Boy has she been a treat lately! Love her to pieces and I don't want her to change because one day she's going to kick some serious a*@, but my gracious! I can't even spank her!!! All I can do is watch her act like a crazy kid until she decides to stop. At least I've got my mom!!! My mom has been here everyday or she's had Willa with her. Tonight she's spending the night in case Willa wakes up...and she will...she always does!