The party no one wants to be invited to

 I don't even know where to start!  It's been so long!  I'm not even sure what made me want to write tonight, but I feel like I need to.  

Last year, in January I had a scare.  I was told that I had a lot of spots in my lungs.  Long story short, after a lung biopsy, it turns out I have a lung condition called pulmonary sarcoidosis.  It could be a big deal, but for now mine isn't a big deal.  I just have to watch for symptoms and deal with them as they come, if they ever do.

On a much deeper note, since then I've made some life changes.  One of the factors that can make that condition worse is stress.  So in June I quite my job, which I really did love, but I had more responsibilities than I wanted.  I took some time to be with my kids and now I'm working part time for someone I've always looked up to and admired.  I 100% believe I'm where I'm supposed to be at this point in time and I'm thankful for the opportunity to be available for my kids while maintaining a meaningful job.  

The good news is that I'm doing great!  Physically I have no signs of any cancer and at this point I feel like I'm beating the odds.  

But.....

I'm having a moment.  I feel like it's in me and the doctors just don't know it yet.  Everything that ever causes me pain makes me think it's there.  Like my right arm hurts.  So naturally...I think it's in my bones.  I have an itchy spot on my ankle, so of course I think my immune system is stressed because it's somewhere in my body and it's causing a reaction.  I can't remember shit, so I think it's in my brain.  One would hope that after all these years I would be past this.  But I'm not.  And I wonder if I hadn't had that scare in January of 2019, if I'd be this way.  I mean, after all....the last encounter I'd had with cancer was in 2011.  So surely I've done my time right???

But...

I kind of think it's time to see a therapist because I'm so emotional about other people's journeys.  I've recently joined this group for people with cancer or who have already gone through it.  When I look around I'm so touched by everyone's individual journey.  I'm obsessed with the details of their stories.  When "newbies" are telling their story, I'm reminded of that feeling.  When information is coming at you so fast and you can't really make sense of it all but "they" say you need to be somewhere at a certain time so you just show up.  And then it goes from one appointment to the next and you just plow through it while you plaster a smile on your face so everyone else feels more comfortable.  

And then I'm reminded of my second run in with cancer when not only was I dealing with the scariest time of my life, but my mom was going through her own journey, and my marriage was being put to the test.  I was so lost and scared and I wasn't sure if there was an out, or even if I wanted to make it to the other side.

But I rallied.  

I was told how brave I was.  That I was an inspiration.  That I was a hero.  

But I was just a girl, with kids and a family, doing what I had to do.

So here comes the deep part....

I see these women in my group and I see what an honor it is to be called those things.  I see the newest members of the party no one wants to be invited to and I'm in awe.  I see the ones that have been through it and I'm so shocked by their recollections of their journey with their STILL raw emotions and they are rollin' on.  I see the hope and I see the fear.  Shit...I still have hope and I damn sure still have fear!

I just really feel for these ladies that are having "moments".  There are good "moments" and there are scary "moments".  Sometimes you can even have happy "moments" while you're having scary "moments".  My family doesn't necessarily understand those moments.  I really think there's a select few that do. And unfortunately those select few understand because they've been invited to the same party.  

I hate it.

But I love love LOVE my party girls that ride this roller coaster with me!