Done!!!

Today was a good day. Today was a great day. Today I feel lucky. Today I feel like I've conquered the world. Today was the last day of chemo.
So, as you can see I'm a little excited about being done. I'm a little sad too. Believe it or not that has become my normal. My normal trip to Greenville will now go from every three weeks to every 3 months. I have grown to love Dr. White, her nurse Amy (who I pester the hell out of every time I get a lump or pain of any sort) and my 6 chemo nurses. As a little fair well gift I had Denise and Karen make all the nurses these beautiful pink necklaces with a silver charm. All of the necklaces are the same except the charms all say something just a little different. Things like believe, hope and cure. And for my amazing Dr. White Denise made a beautiful charm bracelet with an inspirational word on each charm. Thank you Denise and Karen...they LOVED their gifts!!!
So here's how my day went. Picked up my mom at 7:15. Headed straight to the Cracker Barrel where my lovely friend Julie met us for breakfast. The off to get a little poison through my veins at 10:30. Around 4:00 I was out and so I thought I'd go get Reed his darn IPhone for father's day. He's been wanting it for so long but I told him if he got it I'd cry. He HATES it when I cry. And guess what...it worked! So I got to get him something he really wanted. Oh yeah...and one for me too! Then we finished off the day with a big ol' feast at the Olive Garden. Definitely a day to remember!
So I know in the past I've written some pretty down blogs about all my silly worries and my obsessive concerns about this cancer coming back somewhere that's not so easy to fix. Well quit worrying about my mental state! I really only fret and get myself all worked up when I'm "down" after a treatment. That's when I feel and look like a sick person so that's when I start thinking about what could be wrong with me when really it's the Cytoxin and Taxotere reeking havoc on my system. Not cancer. So I'll probably have a few days like that coming up but then I start feeling better and my worries pretty much go away. I still think about it but I don't really stress out. I just realize that it's a possibility and know what to look for and have made a plan with my wonderful Dr. White to stay on top of all my scans and lab work for early detection if it should happen to come back.
So here's the plan...Meet with Dr. Semer next Wednesday to discuss my options for preventing ovarian cancer. Because my tumors were caused by the mutated BRCA1 gene I have a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. So most likely I will get a hysterectomy in the near future. Then on July 12th I go for another CT scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvic region and a full body bone scan because there were some areas that didn't look exactly right the first time, which was probably because of my surgery but I want to know for sure. Then I go on the 22nd to get the results from those scans with Dr. White. Depending on how that scans look I'll either get more scans in 3 months or 6 months. That same day I'll also go back to Dr. Habal (the one who did my surgery) for my 6 month check up. He'll set me up with a plastic surgeon to discuss my options for reconstruction.
Just as before, when everything started, I feel soooooo much better now that I have a plan. When they said you have cancer and these are all the unknowns and possible courses of action depending on the unknowns but they couldn't tell me which one I was suppose to take until they figured out all the unknowns, which if you remember took FOREVER, I felt more than just a little crazy. And before today I was starting to feel that same way. I knew that the chemo chapter was over but I wasn't sure what the plan was from there. I needed to have some firm course of action to make sure that I'm not just sitting on my butt waiting for some bone pain, back pain, swollen lymph nodes, constant cough or headaches that might or might not be cancer. So now I have a plan, and that feels good. I can handle whatever comes my way if I just have a plan.
I just have to say that I'm so blessed to have so many special people in my life. I love and cherish everyone of you and your kind words of encouragement when I've needed it the most. Ya'll have been my back bone and my sanity and I'm so glad that this chapter is over and in a couple of weeks I'll be feeling normal and ready to jump back into my normal life. I miss all of you ladies from preschool and can't wait for school to start again. Really enjoyed parasailing...even though I didn't go up it was so nice to all be together. I'm looking forward to the Alice Kelly Tournament with some really awesome friends. For those of you that don't know, Reed decided that he was going to bring up the Kahuna (a super nice yacht) and take some of us girls out for the Alice Kelly Fishing Tournament to celebrate the end of my treatment. He came up with it all on his own and it couldn't be more appropriate since all the proceeds go to the Outer Banks Cancer Support Group. This might be the most thoughtful gift he's ever given me! Not to mention it's going to be incredibly fun!!!
So in a week or two I hope to see a lot of all of you because I've missed you all so much! I just might have to have a remission party once I get the all clear on my scans. So thanks again to all of you for all the prayers and positive thoughts!

Chemo # 5

One more treatment down. This one was a little harder because I didn't really have the luxury of staying in my bed for days on end.
On Tuesday my precious brother took me to chemo. He refused to come in because he wasn't sure if he could handle it. I was just glad he agreed to take me. I don't see him too much so I was thrilled to have him locked in my car for an entire 2 hours there and 2 hours back. He couldn't get away from me!
On Wednesday my baby graduated from preschool. Yes...there were some moms there that were crying, but no...I wasn't one of them! I'm excited for her to be starting kindergarten. I'm a little sad that she's done with preschool but can't wait for her to start "big school." I know she's going to love it!
After graduation I couldn't just take her home! So we went to lunch, ran a couple of errands and finished up the day having ice cream. Then mommy came home and collapsed as soon as daddy walked in the door! No dinner, shower, TV...just head on pillow and lights out!
Thursday was another busy day. I actually felt worse on Thursday than I did on Wednesday. I always seem to feel worse on the second day after treatment. But...it was the last day of preschool for both girls. So I put on my big girl panties and picked them up from school and took them to the beach where I sat under my umbrella while my awesome friends took care of my kids. I sat there from a little after 1 until about 5:30. My girls had the best time! And all the moms were so kind to keep an eye on my kids so I didn't have to run around all day making sure they didn't drown! But I think Karen Brown deserves a special award for dealing with Willa when she pooped in her bathing suit! Willa says, "Ms Taren digged a hole and barried my stink!" Karen...you are very special to us all!
So then, just like the day before, I came home and went to bed with no dinner. I did take a shower, but only because I had to.
And then there's today. Today may have been the longest day of my entire life! I haven't felt very well and Reed keeps telling me to take something. The problem is, if I do my kids would be totally unsupervised while I drool on my pillow. So that's not an option. And Willa hasn't felt very good today either. She's had a fever and a nasty cough. I finally got Reed to come get Madison so Willa and I could take a nap. Madison got to spend the afternoon with daddy, going to Ace Hardware, several boat shops in Wanchese and finally got to ride a jet ski for putting up with all the boring chores. She's such a sweet girl. She found something fun about all of it. She got potato chips at Ace Hardware and got to play a game on the ipod at the boat shops.
So here's an example of how tired I feel. I've been thirsty all day. And there's tea in my fridge. But the thought of having to pour it into a glass just wears me out. I have been waiting for Reed to come home so he can take me to dinner somewhere where I can sit at the table, have someone bring me my tea and then I can drink it without having to pick up the glass if I use a straw. THAT'S pathetic! For lunch my girls ate whatever they could reach in the pantry. So they had graham crackers and saltine crackers.
So everyone says, "Just one more chemo! Aren't you excited?!?!" And I always say yes, but really it freaks me out a little. I'm so afraid of this coming back somewhere else. As long as I'm doing chemo I feel like I'm doing something to keep it from coming back. When I'm done with chemo I won't be actively doing anything to prevent it. I know that they'll do scans regularly, but that's probably going to be every six months. Six months is a long time. A lot can happen in six months. Everytime I get a little pain or lump I'm convinced it's spread. I had a lump on the inside of my upper arm last week. Of course I just knew it was cancer in my lymph nodes. My ribs still hurt sometimes, so naturally I assume it could possibly be in my bones. I know, I know...CRAZY LADY!!! But I just can't help it.
So...hopefully I feel better tomorrow and I can get some housework done. I can't find my way through the laundry and dog hair!

My baby

So it's 1am and Madison is still puking up every 10-15 minutes. Sitting here with her feeling so miserable reminds me of how lucky I am that I have these two healthy, beautiful, lively, fun-loving babies. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a child that is not so healthy. Like my mom. Yes, I am 32 now, but I'm still her baby. And her baby has cancer. And she can't do anything about it other than be here for me. So tonight...and for the rest of my life...I will be here for my babies, and I will pray every single day that they continue to thrive and live long and healthy lives.

Busy day with a not so good ending

Super busy day today. Chemo #4 (2 more to go!!!!) which of course took all day. Reed and I left the house around 7 and got back at 5:30...just in time to meet Madison at the Kindergarten Kick Off. Reed dropped me off and Elizabeth gave Madison and me a ride home. The not so good part is that she threw up all over the hall in the big school. And then again in Mrs. Elizabeth's car. And then again in the bath tub. And then about 10 times after that. She's sleeping now...and has been for about 30 minutes. Not sure if she's gotten it all out of just saving it up for the middle of the night. At any rate...she's pitiful. Lethargic...weak. I asked her if I could get her anything and the sweet little angel said, "Just some love." So that's exactly what she got...lots of love!
I, on the other hand, am fine for now. The last two treatments I've been fine until Saturday so hopefully I'll continue to feel good until my baby feels better. I'm not so worried about catching it...they give me lots of drugs for nausea...but I don't really want Madison to feel bad or for Willa to get it next.
OOPS...spoke too soon. Just had another episode of the puke ups.

The other side of the mountain

Well, now that I half way done I'm heading down the easy side of the mountain. I'm looking forward to finishing up and getting back to normal! If I can make it through this dance recital and the end of the school year while still getting chemo I can do anything! Hopefully we'll be so busy that these last three treatments will fly by.
I've felt really good lately and I've gotten a small dose of normal, just enough to know how much I miss it. Thursday and today I went to preschool to hang out with "my kids" in PMO. Kids are so funny! Today we spent some time looking for Ms Michelle's hair. I lost it somewhere and those sweet kids helped me look for it! Then I took Madison and Eliza to their last dance class before the recital. Then to Wendy's for a frosty!
Last week I had a great time with all the preschool teachers at Black Pelican for a Relay for Life dinner. Then supper club on Saturday at the Clarks'. I also got a lot of work done around the house...mostly in my garden and my office. I have some things planted now and I'm going to try to plant some more tomorrow. And for those of you that have seen my office, you know that I could spend days in here working and maybe put a dent in it. A very sweet friend of my (...Kay...) peeked into my office one day and asked me if I was hoarding! Looks much better now!!!
My mom got her genetic test results back and just as we expected she also has the mutated BRC1 gene. She is scheduled to have a hysterectomy on May 18th. She has some growth in her uterus that the said they "can't rule out as being cancer" so every thing's coming out. My poor mom, Cindy the Saint, is actually looking forward to the surgery so she can have a break! She's been staying in Virginia for the last 2-3 weeks with my Paw Paw. He's been in the hospital and she doesn't want him to be there alone. I'm telling you...she's a SAINT!
So on Thursday we head to Greenville for treatment #4. This time Reed is taking me. Even though he's seen the chemo room he hasn't seen it with me as the patient. I'm sure he'll be fine but it won't be pleasant for him. I'm also hoping to get lots of questions answered by Dr. White. The more time I have to think about things the more questions I have.
I feel like I don't say this enough so I'll say it again. Thanks to all of you that have been so good to me and my family through all of this. I am sure that that is the reason it has been so easy for me. Ya'll have been wonderful!

Half way there!

I wasn't sure if the title should be "Half way there" or "Half way...house." You be the judge.

Chemo #3 is done. Three more to go. I can't believe how blessed I've been! The side effects I've experienced have been pretty mild so far. Although that could change any day now, even if it does I've still made it half way pretty easily.
This one was very similar to the last one. The actual treatment was painless...easy. Elizabeth Robbins held up a little better this time too. There was only one point where I was a little concerned, but she managed without fainting. I was completely fine that night and Friday. Saturday I started to feel a little off. I stayed in bed all afternoon and all day Sunday. I read an entire book and am half way through another one. But of course now I can't sleep. So here I am...waiting for my Ambian to come and take me off to dream land.
Here's something I'm having a hard time comprehending. It amazes me that people think I'm so brave and strong and inspiring. I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant those titles. I'm just doing what anyone would do in this situation. In fact, while I was laying there trying to fall asleep tonight I couldn't help but wonder if this is it. Every time I get any kind of ache or pain anywhere I wonder if it's somewhere else and they just don't know it yet. I feel like I'm being crazy and over analyzing everything, but still I can't help it.
You know, I had all these scans done...the brain MRI, CT scan and bone scan. The doctor says, "Everything looks great! Do you want a copy of the report?" When I say yes, she follows with, "Keep in mind that this particular radiologists has been over reading things. But I've looked at the films and every thing's fine."
So keeping that in mind I start to try to break these secret codes in these reports. I couldn't find anything in his report that made me worry about the brain MRI, but the CT scan had me a little concerned. He requested a follow up CT scan in three months, which my doctor decided she would order...just to keep him happy. When I told her I was a little unsure about the report she broke it down and put my mind at ease...sort of.
So...Thursday I got a copy of my bone scan report. It says that it looks like I've had broken ribs. I have never broken a rib...certainly not a few of them. When I was in 5th grade Philip was pushing me on a swing at Granny's house and he pushed me too high. The swing flew off the s hook and I flew off the swing. I broke my left arm. But not my ribs! He also talks about my forearm and my hips.
So on nights when I can't sleep...like tonight...I lay in my bed and wonder. I start over thinking every ache and pain until there's no chance of falling asleep without the help of pharmaceuticals. Now my ribs hurt, I feel like I have swollen lymph nodes, and I worry about all the possible things that could have been overlooked. For things to start out so terribly they sure have taken a turn for the better...or have they?
I guess the battle I'm going to have with myself from now on is when to worry and when to let it go. Right now I feel like I'm going to always be waiting for the next round to show up. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up and decide to let it go...stop worrying. I completely trust my doctors and I just have to leave it at that.
So there's the crazy lady in me coming out...just to let you all know that even though I do my best to keep things in perspective and put a postitive spin on things, it doesn't always work like that.
So thanks for all the support and prayers. Apparently they are still very much needed.

Chemo #2

Well, this is long overdue! It's been exactly one week since chemo #2. This one was way easier than the first one. Elizabeth and I headed to Greenville the day before and had some minor retail therapy and were in our pjs reading by 8pm. Pretty sad that that's a big deal, but it was. Got up the next morning, headed to the Cracker Barrel for a little birthday breakfast and then for some chemo. It was the first time my new port had been used and I was a little nervous. They make it sound like it's the most wonderful thing in the world and guess what...IT IS! They stuck a needle in...which I didn't even feel...and drew blood from it. Then they left the needle in and just capped it off while I met with the doctor. After that they just hooked me up to the IV right through the same needle. Painless! I had no reaction to any meds like I did the first time. It was the best birthday present I could have imagined!
Poor Elizabeth wasn't as excited as me. I've never seen her look so uncomfortable. Bless her heart, she came into the chemo room with me and literally sat on the edge of her chair, holding her purse close to her chest. She was ready to run at any second! After almost an hour of suffering she left and did a little shopping. I was worried that she might not come back...but of course she did. And she looked a little better when she got back.
Since last Thursday it's really been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. Nothing like the first time where I was tired and weak for about a week. The day after chemo I was starting to wonder if they messed up and just gave me saline...I felt great! I even made it to Brandy and Philip's pink party Friday night. That was just what I needed! I can't tell you how nice it was to see everyone! The hardest part of this whole cancer thing is being stuck at home. I miss seeing people at preschool. I miss going to the grocery store. I miss going to KMart and the bank and the post office. I miss going to lunch with the girls and supper club with Reed. I miss Girls' nights. I miss taking Madison and Eliza to dance and birthday parties. All that to say...it was so nice to go and see just about everyone and celebrate Brandy walking for a cure for Breast Cancer. Brandy...if I could walk up the stairs without getting winded I'd walk with you! But trust me...I'd slow you down. To a crawl!
Then I got tired. I spent a couple of days pretty much in bed then Tuesday I felt great. Wednesday I didn't get out of bed until 5pm. Then today I feel great again. Even though it's up and down it's still an easy up and down. So I get to stay in bed all day...big deal!
On my birthday...AKA chemo day...I also found out that my cancer is genetic. I had the genetic counseling and testing done a couple of weeks ago. I don't understand it completely but there are two genes that are related to breast cancer and ovarian cancer, BRC1 and BRC2. Everyone has them but some people have a mutation that puts them at a much greater risk for breast and ovarian cancer. I have the mutated BRC1 gene. Since I've already had the double mastectomy the next thing is to have my ovaries removed. Luckily, I've got two or three years before I really have to get that done. They're testing my mom to see if she has the mutation as well and then my sister and others in the family. Crazy what they know these days!
So...all of that on my birthday. But let me back up and say that the entire day I was getting text messages from soooooooo many people sending me birthday wishes! I swear it made my day happy...even with chemo! Just when I thought it couldn't get any better I came home to a living room full of presents! I've decided that I'm going to have a garden this year. So I had a big sun hat, all kinds of gardening tools for me and the girls, scarves, seeds, bulbs, gloves, plants...you name it, it was in my living room! So on the days that I have felt good I've been outside planting the bulbs and flowers with my new gloves, hat and tools. Don't get too excited...you probably wouldn't be able to tell. But I can...and it feels good! Can't wait to start my vegetable garden. I'll need a little help from Reed or my brother to get that going.
Oh yeah...did I mention that I'm 95% bald! I mean shiny bald! My hair had started falling out but it wasn't FALLING out! I'm so glad I shaved it when I did.
Well, I feel like I've really rambled on and on about myself! Let me finish up with a quick report on the girls and Reed. They're all doing great! Reed's out fishing today and I know he's happy to be on the water. He may go tomorrow and Saturday too. He'd shrivel up and die if he didn't get to go fishing! The girls are still funny and doing really well with all the changes. It's harder for me than it is for them. They don't even notice. Well...I take that back. Willa cried when she saw my head. But now she thinks it's funny. And Madison will sometimes rub it. They're sweet girls and I'm amazed by what they can handle. A very wise woman...Anna Barrett, you know who you are...once told me what a wonderful learning experience this was going to be for them. It's an opportunity for me to teach them how to be strong and deal with some really tough stuff. Things don't always go the way you'd like for them to but you still have to deal with it and move on. So that's exactly what we're doing down here in Wanchese :-)