Here's what I've learned about cancer.
Cancer sucks. There's nothing fun about it. But the really hard part is when it's all over.
About two months ago I kept having these break downs. Nothing really triggered them. I would just start crying and not know why or what to do to stop it. I felt completely overwhelmed and broken. Just when life was getting back to "normal" I couldn't seem to get there. Everything that was put on hold while I was just getting through the day was now piled up. I was just realizing that my whole life stopped but the world around me continued and I had a lot of catching up to do.
Then, when I'd try to explain how I was feeling I would start crying and not be able to stop for days. No one ever said the right thing. Reed kept telling me that I should be happy and enjoy life now that I'm finally healthy. I knew that was true but I couldn't. And that made me feel ungrateful, like being healthy wasn't enough. Presley hung up on me because I was being "snappy." That set me off. All the anger that was in me came out at her...poor thing. She NEVER saw that coming! Lisa kept telling me to just let somethings go. I had too much on my plate and I needed to stop trying to fix the world and just work on fixing me. But how? That's what I do...I help people. That's what makes me feel good. But that wasn't working anymore. Thank GOD I listened to Cara and had already made an appointment with a counselor. When I realized just how many people actually see a counselor I thought maybe I DID need to see someone with all that I'd been through this year.
So I went. And the first time I saw her she told me I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I left there wondering how that could be. I thought about it for a week and then it all made sense.
The only time I cried since January 13th was one time when they first told me I had to have a double mastectomy in less than a week and that I was probably going to need chemo too. Other than that, I put on a happy face and just did what I had to do. I had no other option! So through the horrific surgery and recovery, the chemo, losing my hair, missing out on so much of my kids' lives, and all the other fun stuff that comes along with cancer, I never cried.
And now it was all coming out.
I had to go back to the oncologist for my three month check up. They sent me to the chemo treatment room to access my port for my blood work. I have been back there more times than I care to remember. And it never bothered me. I always went back there with a smile and some new gadget to occupy my three hour chemo treatment, making friends with the other people lined up in recliners. But this time was different. I just sat there the whole time trying not to cry thinking, "I can't believe I did this so many times and it was no big deal. This is a big deal. These people are sick. They may not make it. That lady was here when I was here. Why is she still here? That man is much thinner than he was this summer. Has something happened? Why is he still here? That poor lady has been here with her husband so many times. She HAS to be tired. Where's the lady I met the first time? She should be here, this is her day." I felt the way Elizabeth Robbins must have felt the first time I made her come with me so she could see that it's not so bad. Where was I?!?! How did I miss this?!?!
I have said this a million times. I've never felt like I was going to die. Even before I knew if it had spread or not, or what stage it was, I NEVER felt like it was life threatening. But when I look back I realize that just one wrong decision could have cost me my life. I could have very easily been one of the ones that didn't make it. If I had not gone to the doctor when I did. If she had said to just keep an eye on it, see if it gets any bigger. If Dr. Habal had not insisted on a mastectomy. If I had not done chemo, even if it was just for "insurance." I'm not saying that I did everything right. But somehow I was at the right place at the right time with the right people. I got lucky.
Here's another thing that's changed...Me. Things that I want in life, my priorities, everything about me has changed. I don't know how you can go through all of that and NOT change. I love differently, deeper. I appreciate the little things. I have a new category that I mentally place things in when I've done all I can do and it's still not working...Not My Problem. Reed thinks that if I have too much on my plate then I need to let some things go...like taking the girls to dance, or working at preschool. But those are the things that I WANT to do. Those are the things that I fought to be able to do. That's what makes me feel normal and happy. Those things don't stress me out...they relieve stress.
So counseling has been good...I feel like oncologists should make counseling part of their course of treatment. I'm finally feeling all the emotions I pushed aside. Everyone always said I had such a positive attitude through it all. And I did. I didn't try to, it just happened. But in doing that I didn't feel the things I should have felt. I put up a wall and painted happy faces and flowers and all kinds of happy pictures on it to keep out the feelings I should have been dealing with that weren't so happy and pretty. But the wall has come down and it feels good! I now understand that it's normal to feel these things. They're a little delayed, but at least they are working their way out.
Wow...that's a lot of talk about feelings;) All of this reminds me of a song...my brother used to sing it to Madison when she was a little fussy as a baby. It's called "It's all right to cry." Here are the words...
It's all right to cry
Crying gets the sad out of you
It's all right to cry
It might make you feel better
Rain drops from your eyes
Washing all the mad out of you
Rain drops from your eyes
They're gonna make you feel better
It's all right to feel things
Though the feelings may be strange
Feelings are such real things
And they change and change and change
Sad n' grumpy, down in the dumpy
Snuggly, huggly, mean n' ugly
Sloppy, slappy, hoppy, happy
Change and change and change
It's all right to know
Feelings come and feelings go
It's all right to cry
It might make you feel better
And now John Michael has his own little baby girl to sing that song to. Welcome to this crazy World, Eva Ann Arendts!!!
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Reconstruction - Phase I
Wow...it's been a long time! But not too much has happened so there's not too much to catch up on. The big thing that's happened is reconstruction!
I went in on Tuesday and had the expanders put in and my port for chemo taken out. The expanders were put in to stretch the skin and muscle to make room for my new boobies. It's a process that takes a few months and some pretty painful days but the outcome will be worth it. I go back in a couple of weeks to have the expanders "pumped up." They will fill them up with saline every two weeks until either I say enough or the scar tissue won't allow them to stretch any further. Of course the first question everyone has is "How big will you go?" But I don't really have an answer because it all depends on the amount of scar tissue and how much pain I can actually handle. Each filling gets more and more painful. When all the fillings are done I'll have to leave the expanders in for a month or two to let everything settle and heal completely. Then I'll get the real implants and they'll cut away some more scar tissue to relieve some of the pressure. Then I'll have the best looking boobs in town:)
I've been really excited for this surgery and expected it to be pretty easy compared to what I've already been through. I even told Reed that he could leave a couple of days after the surgery to bring back the Kahuna from Massachusetts.
So here's the reality...it has been SO much easier than the first time. Not exactly a walk in the park but definately easier. This time I have no drains. I can't use my arms too much or my new boobs might pop out of place and end up on my shoulders. But that's not too bad. I'm already off my pain meds. I've taken showers and it's only been four days! Last time it was three weeks before I could take a shower! Reed did leave on Friday. Before any of you start thinking he's some dead beat husband you need to know that I told him to go. He didn't ask if he could. It was my idea. This boat being up north has really been weighing on him because he knows the longer he waits to bring it back the more trecherous the waters will be. He was worried about being iced in and not being able to leave. So I told him I would be fine...which I am...if he went.
The hardest part is my kids. I'm fine by myself. But I can't really take care of them. Especially Willa!!! Boy has she been a treat lately! Love her to pieces and I don't want her to change because one day she's going to kick some serious a*@, but my gracious! I can't even spank her!!! All I can do is watch her act like a crazy kid until she decides to stop. At least I've got my mom!!! My mom has been here everyday or she's had Willa with her. Tonight she's spending the night in case Willa wakes up...and she will...she always does!
I went in on Tuesday and had the expanders put in and my port for chemo taken out. The expanders were put in to stretch the skin and muscle to make room for my new boobies. It's a process that takes a few months and some pretty painful days but the outcome will be worth it. I go back in a couple of weeks to have the expanders "pumped up." They will fill them up with saline every two weeks until either I say enough or the scar tissue won't allow them to stretch any further. Of course the first question everyone has is "How big will you go?" But I don't really have an answer because it all depends on the amount of scar tissue and how much pain I can actually handle. Each filling gets more and more painful. When all the fillings are done I'll have to leave the expanders in for a month or two to let everything settle and heal completely. Then I'll get the real implants and they'll cut away some more scar tissue to relieve some of the pressure. Then I'll have the best looking boobs in town:)
I've been really excited for this surgery and expected it to be pretty easy compared to what I've already been through. I even told Reed that he could leave a couple of days after the surgery to bring back the Kahuna from Massachusetts.
So here's the reality...it has been SO much easier than the first time. Not exactly a walk in the park but definately easier. This time I have no drains. I can't use my arms too much or my new boobs might pop out of place and end up on my shoulders. But that's not too bad. I'm already off my pain meds. I've taken showers and it's only been four days! Last time it was three weeks before I could take a shower! Reed did leave on Friday. Before any of you start thinking he's some dead beat husband you need to know that I told him to go. He didn't ask if he could. It was my idea. This boat being up north has really been weighing on him because he knows the longer he waits to bring it back the more trecherous the waters will be. He was worried about being iced in and not being able to leave. So I told him I would be fine...which I am...if he went.
The hardest part is my kids. I'm fine by myself. But I can't really take care of them. Especially Willa!!! Boy has she been a treat lately! Love her to pieces and I don't want her to change because one day she's going to kick some serious a*@, but my gracious! I can't even spank her!!! All I can do is watch her act like a crazy kid until she decides to stop. At least I've got my mom!!! My mom has been here everyday or she's had Willa with her. Tonight she's spending the night in case Willa wakes up...and she will...she always does!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
It's almost been a year since I first felt the lump in my breast. However, it wasn't until December 15, 2009 that I saw the doctor because I thought I'd wait and see what happened...would it go away on its own, did caffine have anything to do with it, would it come and go with my period. When I realized it wasn't going away or getting smaller, nor did I think it was getting bigger, I finally made an appointment to see my doctor on December 15th.
And then my life changed.
Since that day I have had 27 doctor appointments, 2 mamograms, 1 ultrasound, 2 MRIs, 2 bone scans, 2 CT scans, 1 chest X-Ray, 1 excisional biopsy, 1 ultrasound guided needle biopsy, 1 double mastectomy, 1 port put in my chest and 6 chemotheropy treatments. I already have 3 more doctor appointments and 1 surgery scheduled, and 2 more surgeries that need to be scheduled.
I have also had two MAJOR diagnosises. January 13th...Breast Cancer. July 15th...Remission.
That is one hell of a year!
It's been a really long time since I've given any kind of an update. So here goes...
I no longer feel like I'm eaten up with cancer. Before, anytime I had any kind of ache or pain I was convinced that it had spread to my bones or lymph nodes or my blood. I don't remember when I started feeling like I am cancer free...I just realized one day that I wasn't obsessing about cancer.
My hair has grown back. And no...it's not blond or curly. It's straight and just as dark as it was before, except there's a little more grey now. It's very thick and there's nothing I can do with it so far. But it's there! And my eyebrows and eye lashes have also come back.
Reconstruction will be underway soon. Here's how it works.
On November 16th I will go in for an outpatient surgery that should take about two hours to have expanders put in. Then, every two weeks I will take a trip to Greenville to have my boobs "pumped up." They will inject saline into these expanders to stretch the skin and muscle until either I decide they are big enough or they physically can't stretch anymore. The surgery is pretty easy but the expansion is supposed to be pretty painful, especially the last two or three. Then, I will leave the expanders in for a couple of months to let everything settle and relax. And then I get the real things. I'll have one last surgery to exchange the expanders for the impants. Then that whole phase of my life will be over!!!
So then there's the issue of the hystorectomy. Since my genetic testing showed that I have the mutated BRCA1 gene I have a fairly high chance of developing ovarian cancer before I'm 50. The easy answer is to just remove it ALL! Anything that can get cancer that can be removed, WILL be removed. But...I've decided that I want to complete the breast cancer saga before dealing with that. So, until that is all complete I will just see a GYN Oncologist every six months and have ultrasounds and a special blood test. The bad part is, although these are extra steps for detecting ovarian cancer they are not guaranteed, or even very reliable. That's why they call it the silent killer. There is no good test for early detection. So hopefully, I will have that surgery done next year...maybe in early June. But I've decided that I can't think about that until I get through this.
Now...how about some good stuff!!! I finally feel normal. I'm running around like a crazy person trying to keep up with Madison and Willa. Madison is now in Kindergarten and loves it! She is also taking ballet and tap on Thursdays. Willa goes to PMO at St. Andrew's on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and has Kindermusik on Thursdays. I am back at work...even though I feel like it's more fun than a "work"...at St Andrew's Preschool with the really little kids two mornings a week and I keep the cutest little girl, Heidi, on Tuesday afternoons. And I really feel like life is back to normal.
The thing that bothered me the most about the whole cancer thing is how much I missed out on. I missed the kids at preschool so much, I hated not being involved in Madison's school and dance, I hated that I missed birthday parties and girls nights out. I hated that it took such a huge effort to do anything for or with my family and friends. Basically, my world stopped while everyone else's world continued.
And now my world is moving again. I stay so busy that I actually think about how lucky I was to get a nap every day! I'm ready for reconstruction, even though this particular type of reconstruction wasn't my first choice. I have finally come to terms with it and I feel like it's the right choice for me and my family. I'm even excited about it! I think it's going to be pretty easy and I won't miss too of anything, just 1 - 2 weeks initially and a day or two here and there at the most!
Again...I can't thank everyone enough for all the postitive thoughts, kind and encouraging words, prayers, love and support that you have all given me through out my roller coaster ride with cancer. People say all the time that they don't know how I've gotten through it, but the truth is that everyone of you has had a significant roll in my battle and recovery, whether you know it or not. I would not have gotten through this without you.
And then my life changed.
Since that day I have had 27 doctor appointments, 2 mamograms, 1 ultrasound, 2 MRIs, 2 bone scans, 2 CT scans, 1 chest X-Ray, 1 excisional biopsy, 1 ultrasound guided needle biopsy, 1 double mastectomy, 1 port put in my chest and 6 chemotheropy treatments. I already have 3 more doctor appointments and 1 surgery scheduled, and 2 more surgeries that need to be scheduled.
I have also had two MAJOR diagnosises. January 13th...Breast Cancer. July 15th...Remission.
That is one hell of a year!
It's been a really long time since I've given any kind of an update. So here goes...
I no longer feel like I'm eaten up with cancer. Before, anytime I had any kind of ache or pain I was convinced that it had spread to my bones or lymph nodes or my blood. I don't remember when I started feeling like I am cancer free...I just realized one day that I wasn't obsessing about cancer.
My hair has grown back. And no...it's not blond or curly. It's straight and just as dark as it was before, except there's a little more grey now. It's very thick and there's nothing I can do with it so far. But it's there! And my eyebrows and eye lashes have also come back.
Reconstruction will be underway soon. Here's how it works.
On November 16th I will go in for an outpatient surgery that should take about two hours to have expanders put in. Then, every two weeks I will take a trip to Greenville to have my boobs "pumped up." They will inject saline into these expanders to stretch the skin and muscle until either I decide they are big enough or they physically can't stretch anymore. The surgery is pretty easy but the expansion is supposed to be pretty painful, especially the last two or three. Then, I will leave the expanders in for a couple of months to let everything settle and relax. And then I get the real things. I'll have one last surgery to exchange the expanders for the impants. Then that whole phase of my life will be over!!!
So then there's the issue of the hystorectomy. Since my genetic testing showed that I have the mutated BRCA1 gene I have a fairly high chance of developing ovarian cancer before I'm 50. The easy answer is to just remove it ALL! Anything that can get cancer that can be removed, WILL be removed. But...I've decided that I want to complete the breast cancer saga before dealing with that. So, until that is all complete I will just see a GYN Oncologist every six months and have ultrasounds and a special blood test. The bad part is, although these are extra steps for detecting ovarian cancer they are not guaranteed, or even very reliable. That's why they call it the silent killer. There is no good test for early detection. So hopefully, I will have that surgery done next year...maybe in early June. But I've decided that I can't think about that until I get through this.
Now...how about some good stuff!!! I finally feel normal. I'm running around like a crazy person trying to keep up with Madison and Willa. Madison is now in Kindergarten and loves it! She is also taking ballet and tap on Thursdays. Willa goes to PMO at St. Andrew's on Tuesday and Thursday mornings and has Kindermusik on Thursdays. I am back at work...even though I feel like it's more fun than a "work"...at St Andrew's Preschool with the really little kids two mornings a week and I keep the cutest little girl, Heidi, on Tuesday afternoons. And I really feel like life is back to normal.
The thing that bothered me the most about the whole cancer thing is how much I missed out on. I missed the kids at preschool so much, I hated not being involved in Madison's school and dance, I hated that I missed birthday parties and girls nights out. I hated that it took such a huge effort to do anything for or with my family and friends. Basically, my world stopped while everyone else's world continued.
And now my world is moving again. I stay so busy that I actually think about how lucky I was to get a nap every day! I'm ready for reconstruction, even though this particular type of reconstruction wasn't my first choice. I have finally come to terms with it and I feel like it's the right choice for me and my family. I'm even excited about it! I think it's going to be pretty easy and I won't miss too of anything, just 1 - 2 weeks initially and a day or two here and there at the most!
Again...I can't thank everyone enough for all the postitive thoughts, kind and encouraging words, prayers, love and support that you have all given me through out my roller coaster ride with cancer. People say all the time that they don't know how I've gotten through it, but the truth is that everyone of you has had a significant roll in my battle and recovery, whether you know it or not. I would not have gotten through this without you.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Alice Kelly...what have you done to me?!?!?!?!
Wow!!! Yesterday was amazing! I love my husband...but he's not a gift giver. He never has been and I thought he never would be. I've just come to terms with getting a big fat nothing...not even a card...for my birthday, mother's day and our anniversary. And I'm OK with that. But yesterday he proved me wrong!
A few months ago after a little date night he told me of this big plan he had been thinking about. He wanted to take me and some girlfriends out for the Alice Kelly fishing tournament to celebrate the end of my treatment. For those of you that don't know, this particular ladies tournament is a fund raiser for the Outer Banks Cancer Support Group. There is no money to be won but there is a lot of money that goes to our community to help people going through the lovely journey of cancer. So it was very appropriate and extremely thoughtful for him to come up with this all on his own.
He has a very good friend that has a beautiful boat that he brought up from New Bern just for the tournament. He even took the family to the boat for a little over night trip. Madison and Willa thought it was really cool that they got to sleep on the "fancy boat" in their own room.
So yesterday was the big day. We left the dock at 6am with "Captain Ahab," Banks, Jeff and a few girls that are really special to me and helped me through some really tough times.
And it was spectacular! I know I'm not a Meredith by blood, but yesterday I felt like I was. I could LIVE out there! It was absolutely, 100% beautiful. Although I've been out there with Reed before it just confirmed for me why he does what he does. Our CPA is always questioning why he continues to do it even though in the long run we just break even...on a good year. But yesterday reiterated what I already knew...that Reed Meredith would shrivel up and die if he could not fish. I've always told my CPA that taking fishing away from Reed would be the equivalent of me taking away his adding machine. He wouldn't be able to survive! And now I remember why!
We had such a great time! Brandy was the rock star...with a huge Wahoo! She worked her booty off! And Reed was super proud of her. His exact words were, "What Brandy just did was f*@#&*^ notable!" And Reed doesn't just give out complements! She was a little sore today but we're all very proud of her!!!!
Other than one bite, that was all the fishing action happening on the Kahuna. But there was no place in this universe that I'd rather be! We had a blast and I'm secretly hoping this is the beginning of a new tradition. (Reed...if you are reading this...take note!!! You have set the bar high. Not only am I expecting to do this again, but so are a few other ladies:)"
A few months ago after a little date night he told me of this big plan he had been thinking about. He wanted to take me and some girlfriends out for the Alice Kelly fishing tournament to celebrate the end of my treatment. For those of you that don't know, this particular ladies tournament is a fund raiser for the Outer Banks Cancer Support Group. There is no money to be won but there is a lot of money that goes to our community to help people going through the lovely journey of cancer. So it was very appropriate and extremely thoughtful for him to come up with this all on his own.
He has a very good friend that has a beautiful boat that he brought up from New Bern just for the tournament. He even took the family to the boat for a little over night trip. Madison and Willa thought it was really cool that they got to sleep on the "fancy boat" in their own room.
So yesterday was the big day. We left the dock at 6am with "Captain Ahab," Banks, Jeff and a few girls that are really special to me and helped me through some really tough times.
And it was spectacular! I know I'm not a Meredith by blood, but yesterday I felt like I was. I could LIVE out there! It was absolutely, 100% beautiful. Although I've been out there with Reed before it just confirmed for me why he does what he does. Our CPA is always questioning why he continues to do it even though in the long run we just break even...on a good year. But yesterday reiterated what I already knew...that Reed Meredith would shrivel up and die if he could not fish. I've always told my CPA that taking fishing away from Reed would be the equivalent of me taking away his adding machine. He wouldn't be able to survive! And now I remember why!
We had such a great time! Brandy was the rock star...with a huge Wahoo! She worked her booty off! And Reed was super proud of her. His exact words were, "What Brandy just did was f*@#&*^ notable!" And Reed doesn't just give out complements! She was a little sore today but we're all very proud of her!!!!
Other than one bite, that was all the fishing action happening on the Kahuna. But there was no place in this universe that I'd rather be! We had a blast and I'm secretly hoping this is the beginning of a new tradition. (Reed...if you are reading this...take note!!! You have set the bar high. Not only am I expecting to do this again, but so are a few other ladies:)"
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Officially Cancer Free!!!
Today I got a call from Dr. White's office. (She's the oncologist.) She said that my bone scan was normal and I don't have to come in next week. She will see me in 3 months. So that...my dear friends...means I am officially cancer free!
A big thanks to all of my awesome friends and family for getting me through the most challenging time of my life! With your prayers, positive thoughts, kind words and generous hearts I've made it to the other side.
A big thanks to all of my awesome friends and family for getting me through the most challenging time of my life! With your prayers, positive thoughts, kind words and generous hearts I've made it to the other side.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Blood work doesn't lie!
Well...since I last wrote not much has changed. Things are still good and I'm moving on. I went yesterday for my follow-up scans (CT and Bone Scan.) While I was there I asked them to do a little blood work because I've been super tired lately. I've been taking naps every day and I'm still tired! So they did.
Usually, if someone calls me from their office it's a nurse. Well, today it was Dr. White, the oncologist. She said my hemoglobin was a little low but not too low. My Vitamin D level was low so she would call in a prescription for a Vitamin D supplement. However, my liver enzymes were elevated. This concerned her because so far all of my liver enzymes have been consistently normal. She had the results from my CT scan (but not my bone scan) and my liver looked fine. She said, "Did you have a glass of wine the night before?" Um...No. Maybe some beer....in a can....no glass!
I've waited so long! Since March 3rd I have only had two beers that one time at supper club! And so now I finally relax a little and have a couple of drinks and I get busted!?!?! I can't get away with ANYTHING!!!
I love you Dr. White. You helped saved my life. I trust you completely. Just understand that I need a beer...or two...at the end of the day. Please don't hold it against me.
Usually, if someone calls me from their office it's a nurse. Well, today it was Dr. White, the oncologist. She said my hemoglobin was a little low but not too low. My Vitamin D level was low so she would call in a prescription for a Vitamin D supplement. However, my liver enzymes were elevated. This concerned her because so far all of my liver enzymes have been consistently normal. She had the results from my CT scan (but not my bone scan) and my liver looked fine. She said, "Did you have a glass of wine the night before?" Um...No. Maybe some beer....in a can....no glass!
I've waited so long! Since March 3rd I have only had two beers that one time at supper club! And so now I finally relax a little and have a couple of drinks and I get busted!?!?! I can't get away with ANYTHING!!!
I love you Dr. White. You helped saved my life. I trust you completely. Just understand that I need a beer...or two...at the end of the day. Please don't hold it against me.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
I believe in the Tooth Fairy...
So many things have changed since January 13, 2010. It's crazy that even though I feel like my life has been on hold since the day that changed everything, everything around me has continued to go on. All the things that I thought couldn't happen without me have happened anyway. Who knew that the shop would survive if I wasn't the one they called when the credit card machine doesn't work, the cash register is jammed up, they're out of release forms or change, or just need toilet paper and paper towels? (Thanks Kate!) And who knew that Reed would be happy eating canned tuna 3 nights a week? Or that Madison and Willa would be up for a daily nap in my bed?
But most of all...who knew that The Tooth Fairy would come even if mommy wasn't there? That's right...The Tooth Fairy! Madison and Willa stayed with Reed's sister Kelly for two nights while I laid in my bed for 48 hours. I had a feeling this tooth was coming out so I sent the Tooth Fairy pillow to Aunt Kelly's with Madison. Last night it happened...in the pool...it just happened. So The Tooth Fairy came to Aunt Kelly's for Madison's first tooth and left her $5. Kelly happened to see the Tooth Fairy and asked her to please leave Madison's tooth so she could show her mommy.
So this morning, when I got my girls back, I got one baby Willa and one tremendously big, brave, toothless Madison!
But most of all...who knew that The Tooth Fairy would come even if mommy wasn't there? That's right...The Tooth Fairy! Madison and Willa stayed with Reed's sister Kelly for two nights while I laid in my bed for 48 hours. I had a feeling this tooth was coming out so I sent the Tooth Fairy pillow to Aunt Kelly's with Madison. Last night it happened...in the pool...it just happened. So The Tooth Fairy came to Aunt Kelly's for Madison's first tooth and left her $5. Kelly happened to see the Tooth Fairy and asked her to please leave Madison's tooth so she could show her mommy.
So this morning, when I got my girls back, I got one baby Willa and one tremendously big, brave, toothless Madison!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Done!!!
Today was a good day. Today was a great day. Today I feel lucky. Today I feel like I've conquered the world. Today was the last day of chemo.
So, as you can see I'm a little excited about being done. I'm a little sad too. Believe it or not that has become my normal. My normal trip to Greenville will now go from every three weeks to every 3 months. I have grown to love Dr. White, her nurse Amy (who I pester the hell out of every time I get a lump or pain of any sort) and my 6 chemo nurses. As a little fair well gift I had Denise and Karen make all the nurses these beautiful pink necklaces with a silver charm. All of the necklaces are the same except the charms all say something just a little different. Things like believe, hope and cure. And for my amazing Dr. White Denise made a beautiful charm bracelet with an inspirational word on each charm. Thank you Denise and Karen...they LOVED their gifts!!!
So here's how my day went. Picked up my mom at 7:15. Headed straight to the Cracker Barrel where my lovely friend Julie met us for breakfast. The off to get a little poison through my veins at 10:30. Around 4:00 I was out and so I thought I'd go get Reed his darn IPhone for father's day. He's been wanting it for so long but I told him if he got it I'd cry. He HATES it when I cry. And guess what...it worked! So I got to get him something he really wanted. Oh yeah...and one for me too! Then we finished off the day with a big ol' feast at the Olive Garden. Definitely a day to remember!
So I know in the past I've written some pretty down blogs about all my silly worries and my obsessive concerns about this cancer coming back somewhere that's not so easy to fix. Well quit worrying about my mental state! I really only fret and get myself all worked up when I'm "down" after a treatment. That's when I feel and look like a sick person so that's when I start thinking about what could be wrong with me when really it's the Cytoxin and Taxotere reeking havoc on my system. Not cancer. So I'll probably have a few days like that coming up but then I start feeling better and my worries pretty much go away. I still think about it but I don't really stress out. I just realize that it's a possibility and know what to look for and have made a plan with my wonderful Dr. White to stay on top of all my scans and lab work for early detection if it should happen to come back.
So here's the plan...Meet with Dr. Semer next Wednesday to discuss my options for preventing ovarian cancer. Because my tumors were caused by the mutated BRCA1 gene I have a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. So most likely I will get a hysterectomy in the near future. Then on July 12th I go for another CT scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvic region and a full body bone scan because there were some areas that didn't look exactly right the first time, which was probably because of my surgery but I want to know for sure. Then I go on the 22nd to get the results from those scans with Dr. White. Depending on how that scans look I'll either get more scans in 3 months or 6 months. That same day I'll also go back to Dr. Habal (the one who did my surgery) for my 6 month check up. He'll set me up with a plastic surgeon to discuss my options for reconstruction.
Just as before, when everything started, I feel soooooo much better now that I have a plan. When they said you have cancer and these are all the unknowns and possible courses of action depending on the unknowns but they couldn't tell me which one I was suppose to take until they figured out all the unknowns, which if you remember took FOREVER, I felt more than just a little crazy. And before today I was starting to feel that same way. I knew that the chemo chapter was over but I wasn't sure what the plan was from there. I needed to have some firm course of action to make sure that I'm not just sitting on my butt waiting for some bone pain, back pain, swollen lymph nodes, constant cough or headaches that might or might not be cancer. So now I have a plan, and that feels good. I can handle whatever comes my way if I just have a plan.
I just have to say that I'm so blessed to have so many special people in my life. I love and cherish everyone of you and your kind words of encouragement when I've needed it the most. Ya'll have been my back bone and my sanity and I'm so glad that this chapter is over and in a couple of weeks I'll be feeling normal and ready to jump back into my normal life. I miss all of you ladies from preschool and can't wait for school to start again. Really enjoyed parasailing...even though I didn't go up it was so nice to all be together. I'm looking forward to the Alice Kelly Tournament with some really awesome friends. For those of you that don't know, Reed decided that he was going to bring up the Kahuna (a super nice yacht) and take some of us girls out for the Alice Kelly Fishing Tournament to celebrate the end of my treatment. He came up with it all on his own and it couldn't be more appropriate since all the proceeds go to the Outer Banks Cancer Support Group. This might be the most thoughtful gift he's ever given me! Not to mention it's going to be incredibly fun!!!
So in a week or two I hope to see a lot of all of you because I've missed you all so much! I just might have to have a remission party once I get the all clear on my scans. So thanks again to all of you for all the prayers and positive thoughts!
So, as you can see I'm a little excited about being done. I'm a little sad too. Believe it or not that has become my normal. My normal trip to Greenville will now go from every three weeks to every 3 months. I have grown to love Dr. White, her nurse Amy (who I pester the hell out of every time I get a lump or pain of any sort) and my 6 chemo nurses. As a little fair well gift I had Denise and Karen make all the nurses these beautiful pink necklaces with a silver charm. All of the necklaces are the same except the charms all say something just a little different. Things like believe, hope and cure. And for my amazing Dr. White Denise made a beautiful charm bracelet with an inspirational word on each charm. Thank you Denise and Karen...they LOVED their gifts!!!
So here's how my day went. Picked up my mom at 7:15. Headed straight to the Cracker Barrel where my lovely friend Julie met us for breakfast. The off to get a little poison through my veins at 10:30. Around 4:00 I was out and so I thought I'd go get Reed his darn IPhone for father's day. He's been wanting it for so long but I told him if he got it I'd cry. He HATES it when I cry. And guess what...it worked! So I got to get him something he really wanted. Oh yeah...and one for me too! Then we finished off the day with a big ol' feast at the Olive Garden. Definitely a day to remember!
So I know in the past I've written some pretty down blogs about all my silly worries and my obsessive concerns about this cancer coming back somewhere that's not so easy to fix. Well quit worrying about my mental state! I really only fret and get myself all worked up when I'm "down" after a treatment. That's when I feel and look like a sick person so that's when I start thinking about what could be wrong with me when really it's the Cytoxin and Taxotere reeking havoc on my system. Not cancer. So I'll probably have a few days like that coming up but then I start feeling better and my worries pretty much go away. I still think about it but I don't really stress out. I just realize that it's a possibility and know what to look for and have made a plan with my wonderful Dr. White to stay on top of all my scans and lab work for early detection if it should happen to come back.
So here's the plan...Meet with Dr. Semer next Wednesday to discuss my options for preventing ovarian cancer. Because my tumors were caused by the mutated BRCA1 gene I have a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer. So most likely I will get a hysterectomy in the near future. Then on July 12th I go for another CT scan of my chest, abdomen and pelvic region and a full body bone scan because there were some areas that didn't look exactly right the first time, which was probably because of my surgery but I want to know for sure. Then I go on the 22nd to get the results from those scans with Dr. White. Depending on how that scans look I'll either get more scans in 3 months or 6 months. That same day I'll also go back to Dr. Habal (the one who did my surgery) for my 6 month check up. He'll set me up with a plastic surgeon to discuss my options for reconstruction.
Just as before, when everything started, I feel soooooo much better now that I have a plan. When they said you have cancer and these are all the unknowns and possible courses of action depending on the unknowns but they couldn't tell me which one I was suppose to take until they figured out all the unknowns, which if you remember took FOREVER, I felt more than just a little crazy. And before today I was starting to feel that same way. I knew that the chemo chapter was over but I wasn't sure what the plan was from there. I needed to have some firm course of action to make sure that I'm not just sitting on my butt waiting for some bone pain, back pain, swollen lymph nodes, constant cough or headaches that might or might not be cancer. So now I have a plan, and that feels good. I can handle whatever comes my way if I just have a plan.
I just have to say that I'm so blessed to have so many special people in my life. I love and cherish everyone of you and your kind words of encouragement when I've needed it the most. Ya'll have been my back bone and my sanity and I'm so glad that this chapter is over and in a couple of weeks I'll be feeling normal and ready to jump back into my normal life. I miss all of you ladies from preschool and can't wait for school to start again. Really enjoyed parasailing...even though I didn't go up it was so nice to all be together. I'm looking forward to the Alice Kelly Tournament with some really awesome friends. For those of you that don't know, Reed decided that he was going to bring up the Kahuna (a super nice yacht) and take some of us girls out for the Alice Kelly Fishing Tournament to celebrate the end of my treatment. He came up with it all on his own and it couldn't be more appropriate since all the proceeds go to the Outer Banks Cancer Support Group. This might be the most thoughtful gift he's ever given me! Not to mention it's going to be incredibly fun!!!
So in a week or two I hope to see a lot of all of you because I've missed you all so much! I just might have to have a remission party once I get the all clear on my scans. So thanks again to all of you for all the prayers and positive thoughts!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Chemo # 5
One more treatment down. This one was a little harder because I didn't really have the luxury of staying in my bed for days on end.
On Tuesday my precious brother took me to chemo. He refused to come in because he wasn't sure if he could handle it. I was just glad he agreed to take me. I don't see him too much so I was thrilled to have him locked in my car for an entire 2 hours there and 2 hours back. He couldn't get away from me!
On Wednesday my baby graduated from preschool. Yes...there were some moms there that were crying, but no...I wasn't one of them! I'm excited for her to be starting kindergarten. I'm a little sad that she's done with preschool but can't wait for her to start "big school." I know she's going to love it!
After graduation I couldn't just take her home! So we went to lunch, ran a couple of errands and finished up the day having ice cream. Then mommy came home and collapsed as soon as daddy walked in the door! No dinner, shower, TV...just head on pillow and lights out!
Thursday was another busy day. I actually felt worse on Thursday than I did on Wednesday. I always seem to feel worse on the second day after treatment. But...it was the last day of preschool for both girls. So I put on my big girl panties and picked them up from school and took them to the beach where I sat under my umbrella while my awesome friends took care of my kids. I sat there from a little after 1 until about 5:30. My girls had the best time! And all the moms were so kind to keep an eye on my kids so I didn't have to run around all day making sure they didn't drown! But I think Karen Brown deserves a special award for dealing with Willa when she pooped in her bathing suit! Willa says, "Ms Taren digged a hole and barried my stink!" Karen...you are very special to us all!
So then, just like the day before, I came home and went to bed with no dinner. I did take a shower, but only because I had to.
And then there's today. Today may have been the longest day of my entire life! I haven't felt very well and Reed keeps telling me to take something. The problem is, if I do my kids would be totally unsupervised while I drool on my pillow. So that's not an option. And Willa hasn't felt very good today either. She's had a fever and a nasty cough. I finally got Reed to come get Madison so Willa and I could take a nap. Madison got to spend the afternoon with daddy, going to Ace Hardware, several boat shops in Wanchese and finally got to ride a jet ski for putting up with all the boring chores. She's such a sweet girl. She found something fun about all of it. She got potato chips at Ace Hardware and got to play a game on the ipod at the boat shops.
So here's an example of how tired I feel. I've been thirsty all day. And there's tea in my fridge. But the thought of having to pour it into a glass just wears me out. I have been waiting for Reed to come home so he can take me to dinner somewhere where I can sit at the table, have someone bring me my tea and then I can drink it without having to pick up the glass if I use a straw. THAT'S pathetic! For lunch my girls ate whatever they could reach in the pantry. So they had graham crackers and saltine crackers.
So everyone says, "Just one more chemo! Aren't you excited?!?!" And I always say yes, but really it freaks me out a little. I'm so afraid of this coming back somewhere else. As long as I'm doing chemo I feel like I'm doing something to keep it from coming back. When I'm done with chemo I won't be actively doing anything to prevent it. I know that they'll do scans regularly, but that's probably going to be every six months. Six months is a long time. A lot can happen in six months. Everytime I get a little pain or lump I'm convinced it's spread. I had a lump on the inside of my upper arm last week. Of course I just knew it was cancer in my lymph nodes. My ribs still hurt sometimes, so naturally I assume it could possibly be in my bones. I know, I know...CRAZY LADY!!! But I just can't help it.
So...hopefully I feel better tomorrow and I can get some housework done. I can't find my way through the laundry and dog hair!
On Tuesday my precious brother took me to chemo. He refused to come in because he wasn't sure if he could handle it. I was just glad he agreed to take me. I don't see him too much so I was thrilled to have him locked in my car for an entire 2 hours there and 2 hours back. He couldn't get away from me!
On Wednesday my baby graduated from preschool. Yes...there were some moms there that were crying, but no...I wasn't one of them! I'm excited for her to be starting kindergarten. I'm a little sad that she's done with preschool but can't wait for her to start "big school." I know she's going to love it!
After graduation I couldn't just take her home! So we went to lunch, ran a couple of errands and finished up the day having ice cream. Then mommy came home and collapsed as soon as daddy walked in the door! No dinner, shower, TV...just head on pillow and lights out!
Thursday was another busy day. I actually felt worse on Thursday than I did on Wednesday. I always seem to feel worse on the second day after treatment. But...it was the last day of preschool for both girls. So I put on my big girl panties and picked them up from school and took them to the beach where I sat under my umbrella while my awesome friends took care of my kids. I sat there from a little after 1 until about 5:30. My girls had the best time! And all the moms were so kind to keep an eye on my kids so I didn't have to run around all day making sure they didn't drown! But I think Karen Brown deserves a special award for dealing with Willa when she pooped in her bathing suit! Willa says, "Ms Taren digged a hole and barried my stink!" Karen...you are very special to us all!
So then, just like the day before, I came home and went to bed with no dinner. I did take a shower, but only because I had to.
And then there's today. Today may have been the longest day of my entire life! I haven't felt very well and Reed keeps telling me to take something. The problem is, if I do my kids would be totally unsupervised while I drool on my pillow. So that's not an option. And Willa hasn't felt very good today either. She's had a fever and a nasty cough. I finally got Reed to come get Madison so Willa and I could take a nap. Madison got to spend the afternoon with daddy, going to Ace Hardware, several boat shops in Wanchese and finally got to ride a jet ski for putting up with all the boring chores. She's such a sweet girl. She found something fun about all of it. She got potato chips at Ace Hardware and got to play a game on the ipod at the boat shops.
So here's an example of how tired I feel. I've been thirsty all day. And there's tea in my fridge. But the thought of having to pour it into a glass just wears me out. I have been waiting for Reed to come home so he can take me to dinner somewhere where I can sit at the table, have someone bring me my tea and then I can drink it without having to pick up the glass if I use a straw. THAT'S pathetic! For lunch my girls ate whatever they could reach in the pantry. So they had graham crackers and saltine crackers.
So everyone says, "Just one more chemo! Aren't you excited?!?!" And I always say yes, but really it freaks me out a little. I'm so afraid of this coming back somewhere else. As long as I'm doing chemo I feel like I'm doing something to keep it from coming back. When I'm done with chemo I won't be actively doing anything to prevent it. I know that they'll do scans regularly, but that's probably going to be every six months. Six months is a long time. A lot can happen in six months. Everytime I get a little pain or lump I'm convinced it's spread. I had a lump on the inside of my upper arm last week. Of course I just knew it was cancer in my lymph nodes. My ribs still hurt sometimes, so naturally I assume it could possibly be in my bones. I know, I know...CRAZY LADY!!! But I just can't help it.
So...hopefully I feel better tomorrow and I can get some housework done. I can't find my way through the laundry and dog hair!
Friday, May 7, 2010
My baby
So it's 1am and Madison is still puking up every 10-15 minutes. Sitting here with her feeling so miserable reminds me of how lucky I am that I have these two healthy, beautiful, lively, fun-loving babies. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a child that is not so healthy. Like my mom. Yes, I am 32 now, but I'm still her baby. And her baby has cancer. And she can't do anything about it other than be here for me. So tonight...and for the rest of my life...I will be here for my babies, and I will pray every single day that they continue to thrive and live long and healthy lives.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Busy day with a not so good ending
Super busy day today. Chemo #4 (2 more to go!!!!) which of course took all day. Reed and I left the house around 7 and got back at 5:30...just in time to meet Madison at the Kindergarten Kick Off. Reed dropped me off and Elizabeth gave Madison and me a ride home. The not so good part is that she threw up all over the hall in the big school. And then again in Mrs. Elizabeth's car. And then again in the bath tub. And then about 10 times after that. She's sleeping now...and has been for about 30 minutes. Not sure if she's gotten it all out of just saving it up for the middle of the night. At any rate...she's pitiful. Lethargic...weak. I asked her if I could get her anything and the sweet little angel said, "Just some love." So that's exactly what she got...lots of love!
I, on the other hand, am fine for now. The last two treatments I've been fine until Saturday so hopefully I'll continue to feel good until my baby feels better. I'm not so worried about catching it...they give me lots of drugs for nausea...but I don't really want Madison to feel bad or for Willa to get it next.
OOPS...spoke too soon. Just had another episode of the puke ups.
I, on the other hand, am fine for now. The last two treatments I've been fine until Saturday so hopefully I'll continue to feel good until my baby feels better. I'm not so worried about catching it...they give me lots of drugs for nausea...but I don't really want Madison to feel bad or for Willa to get it next.
OOPS...spoke too soon. Just had another episode of the puke ups.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The other side of the mountain
Well, now that I half way done I'm heading down the easy side of the mountain. I'm looking forward to finishing up and getting back to normal! If I can make it through this dance recital and the end of the school year while still getting chemo I can do anything! Hopefully we'll be so busy that these last three treatments will fly by.
I've felt really good lately and I've gotten a small dose of normal, just enough to know how much I miss it. Thursday and today I went to preschool to hang out with "my kids" in PMO. Kids are so funny! Today we spent some time looking for Ms Michelle's hair. I lost it somewhere and those sweet kids helped me look for it! Then I took Madison and Eliza to their last dance class before the recital. Then to Wendy's for a frosty!
Last week I had a great time with all the preschool teachers at Black Pelican for a Relay for Life dinner. Then supper club on Saturday at the Clarks'. I also got a lot of work done around the house...mostly in my garden and my office. I have some things planted now and I'm going to try to plant some more tomorrow. And for those of you that have seen my office, you know that I could spend days in here working and maybe put a dent in it. A very sweet friend of my (...Kay...) peeked into my office one day and asked me if I was hoarding! Looks much better now!!!
My mom got her genetic test results back and just as we expected she also has the mutated BRC1 gene. She is scheduled to have a hysterectomy on May 18th. She has some growth in her uterus that the said they "can't rule out as being cancer" so every thing's coming out. My poor mom, Cindy the Saint, is actually looking forward to the surgery so she can have a break! She's been staying in Virginia for the last 2-3 weeks with my Paw Paw. He's been in the hospital and she doesn't want him to be there alone. I'm telling you...she's a SAINT!
So on Thursday we head to Greenville for treatment #4. This time Reed is taking me. Even though he's seen the chemo room he hasn't seen it with me as the patient. I'm sure he'll be fine but it won't be pleasant for him. I'm also hoping to get lots of questions answered by Dr. White. The more time I have to think about things the more questions I have.
I feel like I don't say this enough so I'll say it again. Thanks to all of you that have been so good to me and my family through all of this. I am sure that that is the reason it has been so easy for me. Ya'll have been wonderful!
I've felt really good lately and I've gotten a small dose of normal, just enough to know how much I miss it. Thursday and today I went to preschool to hang out with "my kids" in PMO. Kids are so funny! Today we spent some time looking for Ms Michelle's hair. I lost it somewhere and those sweet kids helped me look for it! Then I took Madison and Eliza to their last dance class before the recital. Then to Wendy's for a frosty!
Last week I had a great time with all the preschool teachers at Black Pelican for a Relay for Life dinner. Then supper club on Saturday at the Clarks'. I also got a lot of work done around the house...mostly in my garden and my office. I have some things planted now and I'm going to try to plant some more tomorrow. And for those of you that have seen my office, you know that I could spend days in here working and maybe put a dent in it. A very sweet friend of my (...Kay...) peeked into my office one day and asked me if I was hoarding! Looks much better now!!!
My mom got her genetic test results back and just as we expected she also has the mutated BRC1 gene. She is scheduled to have a hysterectomy on May 18th. She has some growth in her uterus that the said they "can't rule out as being cancer" so every thing's coming out. My poor mom, Cindy the Saint, is actually looking forward to the surgery so she can have a break! She's been staying in Virginia for the last 2-3 weeks with my Paw Paw. He's been in the hospital and she doesn't want him to be there alone. I'm telling you...she's a SAINT!
So on Thursday we head to Greenville for treatment #4. This time Reed is taking me. Even though he's seen the chemo room he hasn't seen it with me as the patient. I'm sure he'll be fine but it won't be pleasant for him. I'm also hoping to get lots of questions answered by Dr. White. The more time I have to think about things the more questions I have.
I feel like I don't say this enough so I'll say it again. Thanks to all of you that have been so good to me and my family through all of this. I am sure that that is the reason it has been so easy for me. Ya'll have been wonderful!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Half way there!
I wasn't sure if the title should be "Half way there" or "Half way...house." You be the judge.
Chemo #3 is done. Three more to go. I can't believe how blessed I've been! The side effects I've experienced have been pretty mild so far. Although that could change any day now, even if it does I've still made it half way pretty easily.
This one was very similar to the last one. The actual treatment was painless...easy. Elizabeth Robbins held up a little better this time too. There was only one point where I was a little concerned, but she managed without fainting. I was completely fine that night and Friday. Saturday I started to feel a little off. I stayed in bed all afternoon and all day Sunday. I read an entire book and am half way through another one. But of course now I can't sleep. So here I am...waiting for my Ambian to come and take me off to dream land.
Here's something I'm having a hard time comprehending. It amazes me that people think I'm so brave and strong and inspiring. I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant those titles. I'm just doing what anyone would do in this situation. In fact, while I was laying there trying to fall asleep tonight I couldn't help but wonder if this is it. Every time I get any kind of ache or pain anywhere I wonder if it's somewhere else and they just don't know it yet. I feel like I'm being crazy and over analyzing everything, but still I can't help it.
You know, I had all these scans done...the brain MRI, CT scan and bone scan. The doctor says, "Everything looks great! Do you want a copy of the report?" When I say yes, she follows with, "Keep in mind that this particular radiologists has been over reading things. But I've looked at the films and every thing's fine."
So keeping that in mind I start to try to break these secret codes in these reports. I couldn't find anything in his report that made me worry about the brain MRI, but the CT scan had me a little concerned. He requested a follow up CT scan in three months, which my doctor decided she would order...just to keep him happy. When I told her I was a little unsure about the report she broke it down and put my mind at ease...sort of.
So...Thursday I got a copy of my bone scan report. It says that it looks like I've had broken ribs. I have never broken a rib...certainly not a few of them. When I was in 5th grade Philip was pushing me on a swing at Granny's house and he pushed me too high. The swing flew off the s hook and I flew off the swing. I broke my left arm. But not my ribs! He also talks about my forearm and my hips.
So on nights when I can't sleep...like tonight...I lay in my bed and wonder. I start over thinking every ache and pain until there's no chance of falling asleep without the help of pharmaceuticals. Now my ribs hurt, I feel like I have swollen lymph nodes, and I worry about all the possible things that could have been overlooked. For things to start out so terribly they sure have taken a turn for the better...or have they?
I guess the battle I'm going to have with myself from now on is when to worry and when to let it go. Right now I feel like I'm going to always be waiting for the next round to show up. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up and decide to let it go...stop worrying. I completely trust my doctors and I just have to leave it at that.
So there's the crazy lady in me coming out...just to let you all know that even though I do my best to keep things in perspective and put a postitive spin on things, it doesn't always work like that.
So thanks for all the support and prayers. Apparently they are still very much needed.
Chemo #3 is done. Three more to go. I can't believe how blessed I've been! The side effects I've experienced have been pretty mild so far. Although that could change any day now, even if it does I've still made it half way pretty easily.
This one was very similar to the last one. The actual treatment was painless...easy. Elizabeth Robbins held up a little better this time too. There was only one point where I was a little concerned, but she managed without fainting. I was completely fine that night and Friday. Saturday I started to feel a little off. I stayed in bed all afternoon and all day Sunday. I read an entire book and am half way through another one. But of course now I can't sleep. So here I am...waiting for my Ambian to come and take me off to dream land.
Here's something I'm having a hard time comprehending. It amazes me that people think I'm so brave and strong and inspiring. I don't feel like I've done anything to warrant those titles. I'm just doing what anyone would do in this situation. In fact, while I was laying there trying to fall asleep tonight I couldn't help but wonder if this is it. Every time I get any kind of ache or pain anywhere I wonder if it's somewhere else and they just don't know it yet. I feel like I'm being crazy and over analyzing everything, but still I can't help it.
You know, I had all these scans done...the brain MRI, CT scan and bone scan. The doctor says, "Everything looks great! Do you want a copy of the report?" When I say yes, she follows with, "Keep in mind that this particular radiologists has been over reading things. But I've looked at the films and every thing's fine."
So keeping that in mind I start to try to break these secret codes in these reports. I couldn't find anything in his report that made me worry about the brain MRI, but the CT scan had me a little concerned. He requested a follow up CT scan in three months, which my doctor decided she would order...just to keep him happy. When I told her I was a little unsure about the report she broke it down and put my mind at ease...sort of.
So...Thursday I got a copy of my bone scan report. It says that it looks like I've had broken ribs. I have never broken a rib...certainly not a few of them. When I was in 5th grade Philip was pushing me on a swing at Granny's house and he pushed me too high. The swing flew off the s hook and I flew off the swing. I broke my left arm. But not my ribs! He also talks about my forearm and my hips.
So on nights when I can't sleep...like tonight...I lay in my bed and wonder. I start over thinking every ache and pain until there's no chance of falling asleep without the help of pharmaceuticals. Now my ribs hurt, I feel like I have swollen lymph nodes, and I worry about all the possible things that could have been overlooked. For things to start out so terribly they sure have taken a turn for the better...or have they?
I guess the battle I'm going to have with myself from now on is when to worry and when to let it go. Right now I feel like I'm going to always be waiting for the next round to show up. Hopefully tomorrow I'll wake up and decide to let it go...stop worrying. I completely trust my doctors and I just have to leave it at that.
So there's the crazy lady in me coming out...just to let you all know that even though I do my best to keep things in perspective and put a postitive spin on things, it doesn't always work like that.
So thanks for all the support and prayers. Apparently they are still very much needed.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Chemo #2
Well, this is long overdue! It's been exactly one week since chemo #2. This one was way easier than the first one. Elizabeth and I headed to Greenville the day before and had some minor retail therapy and were in our pjs reading by 8pm. Pretty sad that that's a big deal, but it was. Got up the next morning, headed to the Cracker Barrel for a little birthday breakfast and then for some chemo. It was the first time my new port had been used and I was a little nervous. They make it sound like it's the most wonderful thing in the world and guess what...IT IS! They stuck a needle in...which I didn't even feel...and drew blood from it. Then they left the needle in and just capped it off while I met with the doctor. After that they just hooked me up to the IV right through the same needle. Painless! I had no reaction to any meds like I did the first time. It was the best birthday present I could have imagined!
Poor Elizabeth wasn't as excited as me. I've never seen her look so uncomfortable. Bless her heart, she came into the chemo room with me and literally sat on the edge of her chair, holding her purse close to her chest. She was ready to run at any second! After almost an hour of suffering she left and did a little shopping. I was worried that she might not come back...but of course she did. And she looked a little better when she got back.
Since last Thursday it's really been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. Nothing like the first time where I was tired and weak for about a week. The day after chemo I was starting to wonder if they messed up and just gave me saline...I felt great! I even made it to Brandy and Philip's pink party Friday night. That was just what I needed! I can't tell you how nice it was to see everyone! The hardest part of this whole cancer thing is being stuck at home. I miss seeing people at preschool. I miss going to the grocery store. I miss going to KMart and the bank and the post office. I miss going to lunch with the girls and supper club with Reed. I miss Girls' nights. I miss taking Madison and Eliza to dance and birthday parties. All that to say...it was so nice to go and see just about everyone and celebrate Brandy walking for a cure for Breast Cancer. Brandy...if I could walk up the stairs without getting winded I'd walk with you! But trust me...I'd slow you down. To a crawl!
Then I got tired. I spent a couple of days pretty much in bed then Tuesday I felt great. Wednesday I didn't get out of bed until 5pm. Then today I feel great again. Even though it's up and down it's still an easy up and down. So I get to stay in bed all day...big deal!
On my birthday...AKA chemo day...I also found out that my cancer is genetic. I had the genetic counseling and testing done a couple of weeks ago. I don't understand it completely but there are two genes that are related to breast cancer and ovarian cancer, BRC1 and BRC2. Everyone has them but some people have a mutation that puts them at a much greater risk for breast and ovarian cancer. I have the mutated BRC1 gene. Since I've already had the double mastectomy the next thing is to have my ovaries removed. Luckily, I've got two or three years before I really have to get that done. They're testing my mom to see if she has the mutation as well and then my sister and others in the family. Crazy what they know these days!
So...all of that on my birthday. But let me back up and say that the entire day I was getting text messages from soooooooo many people sending me birthday wishes! I swear it made my day happy...even with chemo! Just when I thought it couldn't get any better I came home to a living room full of presents! I've decided that I'm going to have a garden this year. So I had a big sun hat, all kinds of gardening tools for me and the girls, scarves, seeds, bulbs, gloves, plants...you name it, it was in my living room! So on the days that I have felt good I've been outside planting the bulbs and flowers with my new gloves, hat and tools. Don't get too excited...you probably wouldn't be able to tell. But I can...and it feels good! Can't wait to start my vegetable garden. I'll need a little help from Reed or my brother to get that going.
Oh yeah...did I mention that I'm 95% bald! I mean shiny bald! My hair had started falling out but it wasn't FALLING out! I'm so glad I shaved it when I did.
Well, I feel like I've really rambled on and on about myself! Let me finish up with a quick report on the girls and Reed. They're all doing great! Reed's out fishing today and I know he's happy to be on the water. He may go tomorrow and Saturday too. He'd shrivel up and die if he didn't get to go fishing! The girls are still funny and doing really well with all the changes. It's harder for me than it is for them. They don't even notice. Well...I take that back. Willa cried when she saw my head. But now she thinks it's funny. And Madison will sometimes rub it. They're sweet girls and I'm amazed by what they can handle. A very wise woman...Anna Barrett, you know who you are...once told me what a wonderful learning experience this was going to be for them. It's an opportunity for me to teach them how to be strong and deal with some really tough stuff. Things don't always go the way you'd like for them to but you still have to deal with it and move on. So that's exactly what we're doing down here in Wanchese :-)
Poor Elizabeth wasn't as excited as me. I've never seen her look so uncomfortable. Bless her heart, she came into the chemo room with me and literally sat on the edge of her chair, holding her purse close to her chest. She was ready to run at any second! After almost an hour of suffering she left and did a little shopping. I was worried that she might not come back...but of course she did. And she looked a little better when she got back.
Since last Thursday it's really been a roller coaster ride with ups and downs. Nothing like the first time where I was tired and weak for about a week. The day after chemo I was starting to wonder if they messed up and just gave me saline...I felt great! I even made it to Brandy and Philip's pink party Friday night. That was just what I needed! I can't tell you how nice it was to see everyone! The hardest part of this whole cancer thing is being stuck at home. I miss seeing people at preschool. I miss going to the grocery store. I miss going to KMart and the bank and the post office. I miss going to lunch with the girls and supper club with Reed. I miss Girls' nights. I miss taking Madison and Eliza to dance and birthday parties. All that to say...it was so nice to go and see just about everyone and celebrate Brandy walking for a cure for Breast Cancer. Brandy...if I could walk up the stairs without getting winded I'd walk with you! But trust me...I'd slow you down. To a crawl!
Then I got tired. I spent a couple of days pretty much in bed then Tuesday I felt great. Wednesday I didn't get out of bed until 5pm. Then today I feel great again. Even though it's up and down it's still an easy up and down. So I get to stay in bed all day...big deal!
On my birthday...AKA chemo day...I also found out that my cancer is genetic. I had the genetic counseling and testing done a couple of weeks ago. I don't understand it completely but there are two genes that are related to breast cancer and ovarian cancer, BRC1 and BRC2. Everyone has them but some people have a mutation that puts them at a much greater risk for breast and ovarian cancer. I have the mutated BRC1 gene. Since I've already had the double mastectomy the next thing is to have my ovaries removed. Luckily, I've got two or three years before I really have to get that done. They're testing my mom to see if she has the mutation as well and then my sister and others in the family. Crazy what they know these days!
So...all of that on my birthday. But let me back up and say that the entire day I was getting text messages from soooooooo many people sending me birthday wishes! I swear it made my day happy...even with chemo! Just when I thought it couldn't get any better I came home to a living room full of presents! I've decided that I'm going to have a garden this year. So I had a big sun hat, all kinds of gardening tools for me and the girls, scarves, seeds, bulbs, gloves, plants...you name it, it was in my living room! So on the days that I have felt good I've been outside planting the bulbs and flowers with my new gloves, hat and tools. Don't get too excited...you probably wouldn't be able to tell. But I can...and it feels good! Can't wait to start my vegetable garden. I'll need a little help from Reed or my brother to get that going.
Oh yeah...did I mention that I'm 95% bald! I mean shiny bald! My hair had started falling out but it wasn't FALLING out! I'm so glad I shaved it when I did.
Well, I feel like I've really rambled on and on about myself! Let me finish up with a quick report on the girls and Reed. They're all doing great! Reed's out fishing today and I know he's happy to be on the water. He may go tomorrow and Saturday too. He'd shrivel up and die if he didn't get to go fishing! The girls are still funny and doing really well with all the changes. It's harder for me than it is for them. They don't even notice. Well...I take that back. Willa cried when she saw my head. But now she thinks it's funny. And Madison will sometimes rub it. They're sweet girls and I'm amazed by what they can handle. A very wise woman...Anna Barrett, you know who you are...once told me what a wonderful learning experience this was going to be for them. It's an opportunity for me to teach them how to be strong and deal with some really tough stuff. Things don't always go the way you'd like for them to but you still have to deal with it and move on. So that's exactly what we're doing down here in Wanchese :-)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Chapter Two: Bald and Bossy
As expected, my hair has started to fall out. Not noticeable, unless you're eating dinner I prepared, using my shower or sleeping in my bed. Lucky for you, only Reed is fortunate enough to enjoy those three luxuries. Besides the gross factor of hair everywhere it's not supposed to be there's the hurt factor. For the last couple of days my scalp has been really sensitive and sore. It felt like I had been wearing a tight pony tail for the last 30 days and just let it down. Not comfy. So today Lisa called to see if the girls could stay the night. Which of course they couldn't get there fast enough! They had all kinds of plans for their big sleep over...Patterson's littlest pet shop collection, bowers (for those of you that are not familiar with a bower it's a bath/shower) and reading books until they all fall asleep in the really big bed. Anyway...on our way home mom and I were discussing my hair situation. I decided we should stop in and see Kim, the most wonderful hair stylist EVER! Timing couldn't have been better...she was just finishing up for the day. So now I'm bald...well...almost! Important part is that my head doesn't hurt anymore and I'm not tripping over wads of hair on the floor.
So as you can see...sleeping is a problem. It's 2:45am and I'm awake. So let's catch up.
Monday was a really nice trip to Greenville for a bone scan. And no...I'm not joking. It really was nice...because of two super sweet friends that spent their entire day with me. Karen and Denise volunteered to take me and even though it was extremely uneventful it was so nice! My mom usually takes me, and as much as I love it was nice to catch up on what's going on outside my house!
Wednesday, Cindy the Saint (aka my mom) took me to Greenville to have this port put in. It's really pretty cool. It's a little round disc like thing under my skin up near my collar bone that has a line that feeds right into a vein in my chest. From now on anytime I need an IV or blood work they can just stick a needle into this port and it's supposed to be so much easier on me. I don't know why but they have had a really hard time getting a vein. If you don't believe me ask Karen and Denise, they witnessed me being poked by several nurses and even led down the hall to another department where that nurse finally got it...after a couple of tries. The surgery itself to put this thing in actually hurts a little more than I expected and I've had the worst headache yet. So Thursday and Friday I was in bed...story of my life! Today I felt much better...now I can't sleep!
This Thursday, March 25th, my birthday...second Chemo treatment. The only thing to do about that is to turn it into a fun trip. So Elizabeth Robbins and I are heading to Greenville Wednesday to do whatever we want. Translation...Target, Shoe Crate, TJ Maxx just to name a few and start my birthday off with the breakfast of champions...Cracker Barrel! I don't know what it is about the Cracker Barrel but I can't imagine chemo without it!
Of course Firday is Brandy's Pretty in Pink fundraiser party. And I want to go more than anything! I've already got my outfit picked out. Hopefully I can make it for a few minutes.
Well...I guess I'll go catch up on Days of Our Lives. Reed will be leaving in about an hour to go fishing. Maybe I'll have his coffee ready for him when he comes downstairs!
So as you can see...sleeping is a problem. It's 2:45am and I'm awake. So let's catch up.
Monday was a really nice trip to Greenville for a bone scan. And no...I'm not joking. It really was nice...because of two super sweet friends that spent their entire day with me. Karen and Denise volunteered to take me and even though it was extremely uneventful it was so nice! My mom usually takes me, and as much as I love it was nice to catch up on what's going on outside my house!
Wednesday, Cindy the Saint (aka my mom) took me to Greenville to have this port put in. It's really pretty cool. It's a little round disc like thing under my skin up near my collar bone that has a line that feeds right into a vein in my chest. From now on anytime I need an IV or blood work they can just stick a needle into this port and it's supposed to be so much easier on me. I don't know why but they have had a really hard time getting a vein. If you don't believe me ask Karen and Denise, they witnessed me being poked by several nurses and even led down the hall to another department where that nurse finally got it...after a couple of tries. The surgery itself to put this thing in actually hurts a little more than I expected and I've had the worst headache yet. So Thursday and Friday I was in bed...story of my life! Today I felt much better...now I can't sleep!
This Thursday, March 25th, my birthday...second Chemo treatment. The only thing to do about that is to turn it into a fun trip. So Elizabeth Robbins and I are heading to Greenville Wednesday to do whatever we want. Translation...Target, Shoe Crate, TJ Maxx just to name a few and start my birthday off with the breakfast of champions...Cracker Barrel! I don't know what it is about the Cracker Barrel but I can't imagine chemo without it!
Of course Firday is Brandy's Pretty in Pink fundraiser party. And I want to go more than anything! I've already got my outfit picked out. Hopefully I can make it for a few minutes.
Well...I guess I'll go catch up on Days of Our Lives. Reed will be leaving in about an hour to go fishing. Maybe I'll have his coffee ready for him when he comes downstairs!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Well, it's been a little over a week since my first chemo treatment and I've done surprisingly well! I have been so blessed...I haven't felt sick! Of all the possible side effects...and trust me, there are some scary ones...the only ones I've experienced are fatigue and headaches. The fatigue has been the worst of the two. I have literally slept for DAYS!!! I got my treatment on Thursday and slept until Monday afternoon! And even then I took several naps a day. I'm getting my energy back a little more each day. Now I just have this headache that sometimes keeps me in the bed. But overall, I feel like it's nothing I can't handle!
I went to the doctor this past Thursday just to have my blood levels checked. Well, my white blood count is pretty low (that's what fights infection.) I could get sick very easily and it would be pretty bad. Apparently, even a little cold could send me to the hospital. So...anytime I go out in public I'm supposed to wear a mask. That's why I wasn't at the spag dinner Thursday night. I was planning on coming and I really, REALLY wanted to but just couldn't risk getting sick. Never mind the fact that on my way TO the doctor I stopped into preschool and saw all my kids in PMO that I miss soooooo much and kissed all 8 of those snotty little angels! I don't even care...it was so nice to see them. Anyway...my house is my sanctuary. This is where I'll spend a lot of time over the next 17 weeks. I've decided that I need a hobby while I'm on house arrest...so I'm starting a garden.
The doctor has also decided to put in a port. This is a little disc like thing that will be under my skin up by my collar bone that feeds right into a vein. They had such a hard time getting an IV in last time that they're concerned about the Taxotere damaging my veins and possibly having to miss some treatments. (I guess I'd be a terrible heroin addict. What would I do if I couldn't shoot up?) It is supposed to make my life so much easier, especially since I hate needles so much. They can even draw blood from the port.
So I'll end my post with a sweet story from my precious little girls. Willa came up to me one day and said, "Mommy, you have no boobies?" "No baby, mommy has no boobies." So she pulls out her shirt and looks down and says, "You want one mine?" Then Madison comes running out of the office (still not sure how she found her way out of there) and says, "You can have one of mine too!" As crazy as they are, they are so sweet! Some people would give you the shirt off their back. My children would give you the boobies off their chest! If that ain't love I don't know what is!
I went to the doctor this past Thursday just to have my blood levels checked. Well, my white blood count is pretty low (that's what fights infection.) I could get sick very easily and it would be pretty bad. Apparently, even a little cold could send me to the hospital. So...anytime I go out in public I'm supposed to wear a mask. That's why I wasn't at the spag dinner Thursday night. I was planning on coming and I really, REALLY wanted to but just couldn't risk getting sick. Never mind the fact that on my way TO the doctor I stopped into preschool and saw all my kids in PMO that I miss soooooo much and kissed all 8 of those snotty little angels! I don't even care...it was so nice to see them. Anyway...my house is my sanctuary. This is where I'll spend a lot of time over the next 17 weeks. I've decided that I need a hobby while I'm on house arrest...so I'm starting a garden.
The doctor has also decided to put in a port. This is a little disc like thing that will be under my skin up by my collar bone that feeds right into a vein. They had such a hard time getting an IV in last time that they're concerned about the Taxotere damaging my veins and possibly having to miss some treatments. (I guess I'd be a terrible heroin addict. What would I do if I couldn't shoot up?) It is supposed to make my life so much easier, especially since I hate needles so much. They can even draw blood from the port.
So I'll end my post with a sweet story from my precious little girls. Willa came up to me one day and said, "Mommy, you have no boobies?" "No baby, mommy has no boobies." So she pulls out her shirt and looks down and says, "You want one mine?" Then Madison comes running out of the office (still not sure how she found her way out of there) and says, "You can have one of mine too!" As crazy as they are, they are so sweet! Some people would give you the shirt off their back. My children would give you the boobies off their chest! If that ain't love I don't know what is!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
First Chemo Treatment...
So today was the day. Overall...okay. Started out a little rough. The nurse had a really hard time getting the IV in and had to try two different spots. And as I said before...I HATE needles! So that was a little tough. Then I got a couple of things through the IV before the chemo drugs. One of them was Benadryl. That hurt like crazy...and I got a rash around the IV. So then they started one Chemo drug. That went fine. Second Chemo drug...not so fine. They told me that there could be some side effects and what they might be but they didn't make it seem like a big deal. So when I started having a hard time breathing and having back pain I just sucked it up and dealt with it. After a couple of minutes it passed. They came to see how I was doing and if I had any side effects. So I said, "Yes. I was having a hard time breathing and having some back pain...but it's gone now." She looked at me like I had 4 heads and wouldn't leave my side for a while. From there it was fine. So far I feel fine, just a little off. Not really sick in my stomach, just off. The next couple of days are supposed to be the hardest so we'll just have to wait and see.
Had the brain MRI and the full body CT scan yesterday. Got the results today. Dr. White was very frustrated with the radiologists because she felt like he was reading too much into the scans. He saw all these small spots...too small to measure...which she said was probably just scar tissue and nothing to worry about. However, I will have to have another CT scan in 3 months.
So...we're off to a good start! I've got a long way to go and it certainly isn't going to be fun but I can do it!
Had the brain MRI and the full body CT scan yesterday. Got the results today. Dr. White was very frustrated with the radiologists because she felt like he was reading too much into the scans. He saw all these small spots...too small to measure...which she said was probably just scar tissue and nothing to worry about. However, I will have to have another CT scan in 3 months.
So...we're off to a good start! I've got a long way to go and it certainly isn't going to be fun but I can do it!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Chapter 2: Chemo
Today I went to Greenville for my first meeting with the medical oncologist. I do have to have chemo...and it starts next Thursday. It will be every three weeks for a total of 6 treatments. It's not the hardest round of chemo but it won't be a walk in the park either. I was prepared to hear that so I'm not really freaking out. Reed thinks this is silly, but the hardest part is going to be the needles. I don't like needles! I'm not so concerned about the chemicals running through my veins...it's how they are going to get there that's freaking me out!
So new boobs are put on hold until probably the end of the summer. Should be finished with chemo by July so I'll probably wait until the season's over before dealing with that.
I'm having some more tests done on Wednesday just to make sure nothing else looks off...a CT scan, brain MRI and Bone scan. They don't expect to find anything, it's just routine.
In a couple of weeks I may be bald like Banks and who knows...maybe my hair will grow back blond and curly. Then maybe people will believe me when I tell them Willa's my kid!
So new boobs are put on hold until probably the end of the summer. Should be finished with chemo by July so I'll probably wait until the season's over before dealing with that.
I'm having some more tests done on Wednesday just to make sure nothing else looks off...a CT scan, brain MRI and Bone scan. They don't expect to find anything, it's just routine.
In a couple of weeks I may be bald like Banks and who knows...maybe my hair will grow back blond and curly. Then maybe people will believe me when I tell them Willa's my kid!
Monday, February 22, 2010
End of chapter one!!!
OK ya'll...Drain is OUT!!! I called this morning and asked Mrs. Dot if she would take it out if I drove to Greenville today. She said no...I shed a tear. So..........then I called my girl Kim, and begged her and she said yes! So Reed and I jumped in the car, with both girls, and now I don't have to go back to the boobie doctor until July. One down!
Next is the chemo doctor on Thursday, genetic testing at UNC and eventually the plastic surgeon. Still a long way to go, but I feel like I've conquered the world! I really, REALLY feel like the hardest part is over. So thanks to all my unbelievable friends and family I've gotten through the first and scariest part. Now that I can use my right arm again I can get busy on all my thank yous!
Next is the chemo doctor on Thursday, genetic testing at UNC and eventually the plastic surgeon. Still a long way to go, but I feel like I've conquered the world! I really, REALLY feel like the hardest part is over. So thanks to all my unbelievable friends and family I've gotten through the first and scariest part. Now that I can use my right arm again I can get busy on all my thank yous!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Just wanted to say thanks to all of my amazing friends! Everyone has been so wonderful and supportive. Ya'll have made it so easy and I'm so thankful for all of you!
So I went to the doctor yesterday with big dreams of getting this drain out. No such luck:( So one more week with it and then no matter what it comes out on the 25th. I know I've made such a big deal about this drain and I'm going to look back and feel really silly because it's not that big of a deal. It's not painful. It doesn't really bother me. And most importantly, it's just one more week. I can do anything for a week! It just means one more week of couch time. I've decided that I'm going to welcome my time with the couch because it's really kind of a luxury! Not so long ago I would have done just about anything for a day of nothing. Now I get 21 days of nothing! So I'm just going to read, watch tv, watch the girls play and have some quality time with the dogs and then it will all be over and I'll wonder what the fuss was all about.
I've had a lot of people ask me about the girls. They are doing great! They're enjoying GranGran being here all the time and they're getting some good quality time with Reed. They think the whole thing is kind of funny. Madison and Willa want to go to KMart to get mommy some new boobies. Since KMart might not have them they're thinking they should check out WalMart and Target. Willa comes up to me all day long and says, "Mommy, you have no boobies?" She always wants to know if my booboos are better yet. And Madison thinks it's a good thing that Mommy has no boobies because now I can "really feel the love" since my heart is much closer now. So they are fine! They're so sweet and hilarious...they'll be just fine. I spent so much energy worrying about how this was going to affect them and even though it's impossible as a mom not to, if I had known how easily they were going to deal with it I wouldn't have worried quite so much. Well...probably not...but I would have tried harder not to worry so much about them.
Everything is going really well. It seemed like everything happened so fast and every time I went to the doctor it was the worst case scenario until surgery...and then everything just turned around. Now things are great and I know it's not over yet but I feel like the hard part is over. For me the hardest part was not knowing all the info. Now all the diagnostic stuff is done and I'm thrilled with the way things are working out! So keep up the prayers and positive thoughts...it's working! God's listening to ya'll!!!!
So I went to the doctor yesterday with big dreams of getting this drain out. No such luck:( So one more week with it and then no matter what it comes out on the 25th. I know I've made such a big deal about this drain and I'm going to look back and feel really silly because it's not that big of a deal. It's not painful. It doesn't really bother me. And most importantly, it's just one more week. I can do anything for a week! It just means one more week of couch time. I've decided that I'm going to welcome my time with the couch because it's really kind of a luxury! Not so long ago I would have done just about anything for a day of nothing. Now I get 21 days of nothing! So I'm just going to read, watch tv, watch the girls play and have some quality time with the dogs and then it will all be over and I'll wonder what the fuss was all about.
I've had a lot of people ask me about the girls. They are doing great! They're enjoying GranGran being here all the time and they're getting some good quality time with Reed. They think the whole thing is kind of funny. Madison and Willa want to go to KMart to get mommy some new boobies. Since KMart might not have them they're thinking they should check out WalMart and Target. Willa comes up to me all day long and says, "Mommy, you have no boobies?" She always wants to know if my booboos are better yet. And Madison thinks it's a good thing that Mommy has no boobies because now I can "really feel the love" since my heart is much closer now. So they are fine! They're so sweet and hilarious...they'll be just fine. I spent so much energy worrying about how this was going to affect them and even though it's impossible as a mom not to, if I had known how easily they were going to deal with it I wouldn't have worried quite so much. Well...probably not...but I would have tried harder not to worry so much about them.
Everything is going really well. It seemed like everything happened so fast and every time I went to the doctor it was the worst case scenario until surgery...and then everything just turned around. Now things are great and I know it's not over yet but I feel like the hard part is over. For me the hardest part was not knowing all the info. Now all the diagnostic stuff is done and I'm thrilled with the way things are working out! So keep up the prayers and positive thoughts...it's working! God's listening to ya'll!!!!
Friday, February 12, 2010
So I'm sure you all would like some good news about now. It seems like every time I went to the doctor I got bad news. Well the bad luck streak has been broken! Yesterday I went for my first follow up. Even though they were 95% sure my lymph nodes were fine...now they are 100% sure. Also, I've been very nervous for some reason about what stage it is. You know me, I'll all about the numbers. It's stage 1...that's right...stage ONE!!! Radiation is out, he said he didn't see any need for it since it wasn't in my lymph nodes and with the mastectomy he feels confident that the cancer is gone. Since I started seeing him he was always pretty definite about chemo. Now he's not so sure that I'll have to, he said probably but not definite. I'm meeting with the oncologist Feb 25th to see what she thinks. And I'm sure you all know about these drains I have. The less I do...the quicker they come out. Well, the left one is out, but the right one has to stay at least another week. So if you see me wearing a sling don't be alarmed...I'm just trying not to use my right arm. Honestly, I probably shouldn't be typing so I'll finish up real quick before Reed comes down and yells at me.
Lots of good news yesterday...your prayers are working! Don't stop now!
Lots of good news yesterday...your prayers are working! Don't stop now!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Hey everyone! I'm home, I'm settled and I'm doing absolutely nothing! Nothing really new since Elizabeth posted the good news about the lymph nodes being cancer free. Since the beginning of all of this that's the first bit of good news I've gotten!
So far I'm doing great at home! I was considering staying over night in the hospital but now I'm glad I didn't. I would have been anxious and restless. So instead I stayed on the couch last night and caught up on some TV time between percocet induced comas! Overall I feel pretty good. It's uncomfortable but not too painful. The hardest part is the doing nothing. That doesn't come easy to me!
My mom and Reed have been wonderful nurses...yes, even Reed! I've been demanding and they're keeping up. My friends are wonderful, from the cleaning crew to the cooking crew, but especially the caring crew! Kids are home and I couldn't be happier to see them! They had a blast at Banks and Lisa's house and are probably bored now that they're home.
So for those of you that are "scared to bother me"...don't be! I need some company and someone to talk to...so don't be afraid to stop by or call. I'm not going anywhere!
So far I'm doing great at home! I was considering staying over night in the hospital but now I'm glad I didn't. I would have been anxious and restless. So instead I stayed on the couch last night and caught up on some TV time between percocet induced comas! Overall I feel pretty good. It's uncomfortable but not too painful. The hardest part is the doing nothing. That doesn't come easy to me!
My mom and Reed have been wonderful nurses...yes, even Reed! I've been demanding and they're keeping up. My friends are wonderful, from the cleaning crew to the cooking crew, but especially the caring crew! Kids are home and I couldn't be happier to see them! They had a blast at Banks and Lisa's house and are probably bored now that they're home.
So for those of you that are "scared to bother me"...don't be! I need some company and someone to talk to...so don't be afraid to stop by or call. I'm not going anywhere!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wednesday, February 3. Surgery is over.
This is Elizabeth. I'm writing on behalf of Michelle. At 9:30 this morning Michelle's surgery was complete. There were no complications and more importantly, THERE WAS NO CANCER IN THE LYMPH NODES!!!! Unless, the doctors say otherwise, she will be coming home today. I know she appreciates everyone's support and prayers...keep it coming!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I've probably said this before...but every day I'm so amazed by the kindness of all of you. I never in all my life thought I would have this incredible circle of friends! My family has been there for 31 years, like it or not! And obviously they are awesome too!
I know how it feels to be on your end...sitting there wishing there was something I could do to help. I know you are all worried about my girls, and that is my biggest concern of all. So here's the plan so far...you know me...I like a plan!
Because I have to be in Greenville at 6:15 on Wednesday morning, the girls are going to stay with Banks and Lisa Tuesday night. They did that one time before and loved it and they can't wait to do it again! They love their Bubba Bewskibanewski and their LiLi. I feel sooo much better because they are looking forward to it. I feel like it's more of a treat for them than anything else.
Wednesday, Reed and my mom will go with me. I'll be coming home that afternoon (crazy) and my mom is going to "move in" for a little while. I'm not too sure about Reed's "care giving" skills with something like this so Cindy Loo Hoo is taking charge. Reed can handle the girls easily, but me...not so sure!
So...here's where you all come in. Elizabeth Robbins called today and said, "Michelle, you have to let people do something!" She has offered to coordinate meals, which would really be helpful. Even though Reed is not afraid of the kitchen and neither is my mom, Reed's going to have his hands full with the girls and my mom will have her hands full with me. Her number is 423-0614 and she's ready anytime.
Also...I've had a lot of people say that they wanted to call but didn't want to bother me. I hope you all know that it's no bother at all. It's encouraging and wonderful to see how big people's hearts are. So don't ever be afraid to call or stop by. I did have a bad week last week dealing with all of this but, now that they've upped my Lexapro:), I'm much better. As hard as it is to believe, I'm at peace with it all. I am so thrilled that the doctor is moving quickly and aggressively. I would worry if he wasn't. And I'm not saying that I'm not going to have some down times...it sucks...big time...but I can deal with it. There's no other option.
Once again thank you all for all the love and support! There's a special place in Heaven for all of you!
I know how it feels to be on your end...sitting there wishing there was something I could do to help. I know you are all worried about my girls, and that is my biggest concern of all. So here's the plan so far...you know me...I like a plan!
Because I have to be in Greenville at 6:15 on Wednesday morning, the girls are going to stay with Banks and Lisa Tuesday night. They did that one time before and loved it and they can't wait to do it again! They love their Bubba Bewskibanewski and their LiLi. I feel sooo much better because they are looking forward to it. I feel like it's more of a treat for them than anything else.
Wednesday, Reed and my mom will go with me. I'll be coming home that afternoon (crazy) and my mom is going to "move in" for a little while. I'm not too sure about Reed's "care giving" skills with something like this so Cindy Loo Hoo is taking charge. Reed can handle the girls easily, but me...not so sure!
So...here's where you all come in. Elizabeth Robbins called today and said, "Michelle, you have to let people do something!" She has offered to coordinate meals, which would really be helpful. Even though Reed is not afraid of the kitchen and neither is my mom, Reed's going to have his hands full with the girls and my mom will have her hands full with me. Her number is 423-0614 and she's ready anytime.
Also...I've had a lot of people say that they wanted to call but didn't want to bother me. I hope you all know that it's no bother at all. It's encouraging and wonderful to see how big people's hearts are. So don't ever be afraid to call or stop by. I did have a bad week last week dealing with all of this but, now that they've upped my Lexapro:), I'm much better. As hard as it is to believe, I'm at peace with it all. I am so thrilled that the doctor is moving quickly and aggressively. I would worry if he wasn't. And I'm not saying that I'm not going to have some down times...it sucks...big time...but I can deal with it. There's no other option.
Once again thank you all for all the love and support! There's a special place in Heaven for all of you!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
So today didn't go so well. The MRI actually showed two other spots. They chose to biopsy the one farthest from the original tumor. That one was the same aggressive cancer as the original spot so they can only assume that the third one is cancer as well. The "new" ones are, however, much smaller than the first one. So...one week from tomorrow...Wed, Feb 3rd...I will go to sleep with boobs and wake up without them. Although there is no sign of cancer in the left breast and there is no medical reason at this point to remove it, I have chosen to have it removed as well...so I can sleep at night. During this same surgery they will check my lymph nodes and I will know when I wake up...boobless...if it is in my lymph nodes or not. I think they will also be able to tell me what stage my cancer is. After that, I'll start chemo. If there is no need for radiation I can have reconstructive surgery right after chemo. If they decide that I do need radiation, then I'll have to wait two years before they will even consider any kind of reconstructive surgery.
Funny thing is...just like when I was told I have cancer...and I thought I had prepared myself for the worst, but the worst is much worse than I ever imagined. On January 13th I went into the doctor's office prepared for bad news...like precancerous cells, preventative meds, keep an eye on it. Instead I got "aggressive form of breast cancer." Today I was prepared for the second spot being cancer and maybe a partial mastectomy. But instead I got "radical mastectomy", ASAP. Good news is that I was prepared to ultimately have a double mastectomy...I just wasn't ready for it to be next week. But, I guess, the sooner it's over, the sooner I can move on and get back to everyday life without cancer.
All of you, even though you feel like your just sitting on your bums feeling like you are doing nothing, are doing so much just by being there. I'm so blessed to have such a huge support system and such incredible friends and family. I can't imagine going through something like this without the love and support of all of you.
Funny thing is...just like when I was told I have cancer...and I thought I had prepared myself for the worst, but the worst is much worse than I ever imagined. On January 13th I went into the doctor's office prepared for bad news...like precancerous cells, preventative meds, keep an eye on it. Instead I got "aggressive form of breast cancer." Today I was prepared for the second spot being cancer and maybe a partial mastectomy. But instead I got "radical mastectomy", ASAP. Good news is that I was prepared to ultimately have a double mastectomy...I just wasn't ready for it to be next week. But, I guess, the sooner it's over, the sooner I can move on and get back to everyday life without cancer.
All of you, even though you feel like your just sitting on your bums feeling like you are doing nothing, are doing so much just by being there. I'm so blessed to have such a huge support system and such incredible friends and family. I can't imagine going through something like this without the love and support of all of you.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Everyone is so awesome!!! I'm so amazed everyday by all the kind words coming my way from so many different people. Well...here's the first update. Went to Greenville today for an ultrasound guided core needle biopsy. Not fun...but really not that bad (now that it's over!) Go back tomorrow for the results and to schedule the surgery to test my lymph nodes. So check back tomorrow night to find out if this second spot is cancer or not...if I have to wait then so do you!!!
Also, for all of you worried about my child care situation...my inlaws are here through tomorrow so all the bases are covered this week. Thanks for all the offers and I'll be taking advantage of all of you sooner or later!
Also, for all of you worried about my child care situation...my inlaws are here through tomorrow so all the bases are covered this week. Thanks for all the offers and I'll be taking advantage of all of you sooner or later!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
OK...this whole blog thing is new to me...so please be patient as I figure it all out.
I've started this to keep everyone out there posted on my journey with breast cancer. I'm sure most of you know that I was diagnosed on January 13th with breast cancer. Everyone has been so incredibly supportive, kind, compassionate and helpful over the last couple of weeks. My dad said it best. His words were, "If I ever have to get sick I want it to be in Dare County." I had no idea that so many people cared about me. It is so overwhelming!!! I'm not really an emotional person, but that has really made me one. So...for those of you at preschool Thursday that had to witness my breakdowns...sorry. Everyone has just been so nice and it just hit me. I know that's not going to be the last of my "moments" so hold on everybody!
So here's my first update. I had the MRI done on Tuesday and was scheduled to go back next Tuesday for the results. Instead, I got a phone call late yesterday afternoon. The MRI showed another spot that they want to biopsy. So...I'll be heading to Greenville for an ultrasound guided needle biopsy and then back on Tuesday afternoon for the results. Then I'll know when I'll be having the next surgery to check my lymph nodes and have more tissue from the original spot removed.
Thanks again to everyone for everything you have done, all your kind words, your wisdom and your prayers.
I've started this to keep everyone out there posted on my journey with breast cancer. I'm sure most of you know that I was diagnosed on January 13th with breast cancer. Everyone has been so incredibly supportive, kind, compassionate and helpful over the last couple of weeks. My dad said it best. His words were, "If I ever have to get sick I want it to be in Dare County." I had no idea that so many people cared about me. It is so overwhelming!!! I'm not really an emotional person, but that has really made me one. So...for those of you at preschool Thursday that had to witness my breakdowns...sorry. Everyone has just been so nice and it just hit me. I know that's not going to be the last of my "moments" so hold on everybody!
So here's my first update. I had the MRI done on Tuesday and was scheduled to go back next Tuesday for the results. Instead, I got a phone call late yesterday afternoon. The MRI showed another spot that they want to biopsy. So...I'll be heading to Greenville for an ultrasound guided needle biopsy and then back on Tuesday afternoon for the results. Then I'll know when I'll be having the next surgery to check my lymph nodes and have more tissue from the original spot removed.
Thanks again to everyone for everything you have done, all your kind words, your wisdom and your prayers.
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